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I Swear I'm Going to Fry Regina George's Brains.

Dedicated to

For the first time in my life, I pulled up into North Shore High School totally alone and thirsting for revenge. "Why?" you might ask. This is exactly why:

Yesterday, I was sitting with my so called friends at our normal lunch table right smack in the middle of the cafeteria where everyone could worship us at their own free will. I was talking to Regina about her math homework and trying to help her through it when her boyfriend, Ryan Nathers, walked over in all his godly glory. I mean, who could blame me for staring? Regina slapped my arm and hissed at me to keep my eyeballs to myself. I don't know why she got mad at me because about 99% of the human girl population of North Shore was oogling Ryan, but then again, Regina probably thought they were admiring her.

Of course, my stupid mouth chose exactly that moment to act up. "I think I'm keeping my eyes to myself well enough, or else they'd be dangling out of their sockets!"

Regina glared daggers at me while Gretchen looked at me in horror. "That can happen?" she asked with wide eyes. "Can you get surgery to fix that?"

I rolled my eyes. Normally, Karen was the dumbest one, but Gretchen came in a close second. They were like Tweedle-Dum and Tweedle-Dumber. Karen was staring at a random stop above the cafeteria lady's head, tilting her head from side to side, but she stopped to give Gretchen an incredulous look. "Of course not! Don't be silly," she said. Thank god. She's actually got some brains. "Everyone knows that once your eyes pop out, they have to replace them-" here she lowered her voice dramatically, "-with the eyes of nerds."

Gretchen screamed and gasped. "No. Way. That is so not fetch."

"Gretchen, I told you. No one says 'fetch' anymore," Regina snapped, then suddenly sat up straight as Ryan sidled into the seat next to her. "Hey darling," she purred in an "alluring voice," sounding like a constipated cat.

Gretchen said, "I'm bringing 'fetch' back like Justin Timberlake brought sexy back." just as Ryan said, "Hey baby," and kissed her on the cheek.

I fake gagged into my water. Their lovey-dovey-ness made me more sick than watching oatmeal curdle, though if he wanted to get all lovey with me, it'd be another matter.

Regina giggled and said, "How about we go somewhere, just you and me."

Seriously, get a room.

He pulled back and she pouted. "Actually, I was going to ask Elena something."

He turned to me and I twirled my hair giddily. Suddenly aware of how much I looked like a desperate Barbie-slut, I immediately stopped. "How may I help you?"

"Dude, no need to sound so formal," he laughed, "I'm just kinda, like, failing chemistry and I need a tutor so it'd be pretty cool if you'd tutor me after school."

Before I could answer, Regina cut in, "I could tutor you," she said, somehow reminding me of Sharpay from High School Musical.

He looked at her and grinned. "Yeah, right, baby. You're hot but she's got the brains." He turned to me. "See you after school then." As he walked away, he winked and clicked his tongue.

He was pretty hot, to say the least, so it wasn't my fault that I was staring at him. Most of the other girls in the cafeteria were dripping saliva as he walked by, but of course, I was the one Regina got mad at.

"How could you say yes to him?" she screeched after he left. "He's my boyfriend!"

"Chill, Regina, I'll stay away from him," I said, but that obviously wasn't good enough for her.

She pointed an accusing finger at me, shaking it. "You're just jealous!" she yelled. God, this was humiliating. Not the fact that she was yelling at me, the fact that I was friends with her. "Ever since I've picked you up back in kindergarden, you've been trying to outdo me. I felt so bad for sad, pathetic you, and all you do in return is try to steal all my boyfriends and my friends." Her voice kept getting higher and higher as I vaguely noted that if it got any shriller, only bats would be able to hear it. "And you know what? You're too smart for this group anyway. You don't belong! You've always been the odd one out and I'm kicking you out of our group."

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