The Top 15 Signs You Drank Too Much This Weekend

15> You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping -- with your
Oldsmobile.

14> Although armed with fire extinguishers, friends stood at a
safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles.

13> Thanks to you, Jack Daniels stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday.

12> Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the
Stoli.

11> For some reason, there's salt on the rim of your basketball
goal.

10> Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of
Aunt Bea's pancakes.

9> For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could've bought
the *car*.

8> You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra
Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.

7> Answering machine full of warnings from Coach Switzer.

6> Absolut wants to run an add featuring a picture of your liver
in the shape of a bottle.

5> Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, it's
VomitMan!"

4> The doorman asks for you I.D. just to see how long it'll take
you to find your pants.

3> Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal
cavity into a pan of frying onions.

2> Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned
the goat.


and the Number 1 Sign You Drank Too Much This Weekend...


1> You're now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a
slogan and not a personal challenge.


This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc.
The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com
**********************
Top Ten Way's O.J. Is Searching For The Real Killers

10. Gets on white courtesy phone at airports, has them page the
real killers
9. Elaborate ongoing "sting" operation at Pebble Beach *
8. All the furry little woodland creatures and birds have promised
to help out their old buddy O.J.
7. Signing autographs for money -- no killer can resist a good
autograph signing
6. Dating lingerie models who are also top-notch detectives
5. Offering free upgrade on next hertz rental
4. Trying to lure them out of hiding with a carload of tacos
3. Asked the Menendez brothers to get in touch if they hear
anything
2. Before sinking putt, takes a good look in the cup to make
sure they ain't hiding there
1. Watching "real killer night" on Jeopardy


(C) 1997 Worldwide Pants, Incorporated. All Rights Reserved
**********************
Top Ten Cool Things About Being the World's Fastest Man

0. Allowed to race wearing nothing but a "World's Fastest Man" sash
9. You're set for life as the new spokesman for Speedy Muffler King
8. You can get a bitc*&^' new vanity plate like "FastDude"
7. By sprinting from one side of the board to the other, you can
play checkers against yourself
6. Have easy excuse when girlfriend complains after sex
5. ...

Show full text: 203,401 characters