All We Leave Behind

All We Leave Behind - Chapter Thirteen

Thirteen

The flight back I slept. I was so exhausted I just drifted off. I woke to a stewardess nudging me awake to tell me we’d landed. I wiped away the drool that had collected on my shirt’s collar. I’d never slept through a landing before. I blinked a few times feeling rather groggy. It was an exhausting trip in New York, emotionally and physically. I hated flying multiple flights like that. Getting off the plane and entering the airport I saw people getting hugs from loved ones. They were being welcomed home. I wondered how that must feel, knowing someone would be there for you, someone that loved you.

Everything felt dark and cold. A gray ceiling of clouds let no light in. Everything was tainted with a grayish hue. A misty rain was falling. It felt like it could turn to snow at any moment. I caught a cab. The cab driver looked sad and worn. Perhaps I was projecting, putting my emotions on him.

I paid the driver and entered my building. At the base of the elevator was a couple in workout clothes. My building had a gym I’d never used. I had thought of going there when it got too cold to jog outside. I just hated using a treadmill. I felt if I wasn’t going anywhere I wasn’t making progress. The couple smiled at me and stood at the opposite side of the elevator as it took us up the floors. They looked happy together and obviously had the common interest of working out. I thought of Sarah again, of Tiffany. I pushed that idea out of my head and smiled at the couple as I exited the elevator. I entered my condo and locked the door behind me.

I made myself a bowl of cereal. My days and nights were all messed up. It was nine in the morning and I was exhausted. The sleep on the plane hadn’t been nearly enough. I was eating my cereal when I noticed the flickering red light of my answering machine. I picked up my bowl of cereal and walked over to it. I had made this walk with anticipation, hopeful that Sarah had called, that she’d left a message while I was out. Each time I was let down, each time it hadn’t been Sarah. I tried to tell myself that she wouldn’t call, that I wouldn’t hear from her. Yet still every time I hit play I hoped it would be her calling.

The message played, just the sound of someone hanging up. Another let down. Tiffany, it was probably Tiffany calling. I crawled into bed. I dreamt of Sarah. I saw her crying in her car as I drove away from the parking lot, dabbing her eyes with her tissue.

I woke up still groggy. It was a little after two in the afternoon. I wondered if Adam had checked in yet, how he was doing. It couldn’t have been easy making the choice to get help. How many didn’t make that choice? How many died too young because they couldn’t bring themselves to get help? I wasn’t sure Adam was that bad off but what I’d seen in New York was pretty bad.

I threw my robe on and dragged myself sleepily out of the bedroom. I poured myself a glass of milk. I was starting to hate the stuff but my list of drinkable beverages had shrunk considerably and I didn’t want to drink water. I sipped at my milk and grabbed at an old paper flipping through parts I hadn’t read. I’d cancelled the paper while I was going to be in New York and now I wished I hadn’t. I didn’t feel like writing and I didn’t feel like jogging. I just wanted to go back to bed, crawl under my covers and shut out the world.

Taking a sip of my milk I got up and started walking back to the bedroom. I stopped where my phone was. The light was flickering again. Someone had called when I was asleep. I hit play expecting nothing more than the click of someone hanging up.

“John… it’s Sarah.” I felt my heart race. “If you really wanted to talk we could.” I felt the smile that had formed when I first heard her voice turn into a grin. “Bye.” Her voice sounded cold and aloof but that hardly seemed to matter. I’m sure she was still feeling there would be issues but something had made her call, so maybe just maybe there was hope. I didn’t know why she had become so important. I dreamt about her almost every night and no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t get her out of my head. Every part of my being just wanted to see her again.