My Self-harm Journal

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// This story may or may not be true. I'll never reveal it to you. Ever. //

Running a blade over your own skin seems like a vile thing to do to yourself. But when you've lived my life and faced my problems, that's when I fully give you the right to criticise my decisions.

Bare in mind, I'm not suicidal. This is just my way of reminding myself that I'm still alive. Pain is a catalyst for the actions of many but for me it's everything. It starts with pain for a little while but then ends in relief.

Relief. They ask me why I look for relief. What am I searching for relief from. And every time, I tell them the same. It's my business, not yours.

I suppose it started at home...as many things do. Contrary to what most people I know think, my home life is very different to what it seems. Yes, we seem like a happy family but behind closed doors we have our little secrets.

My mother constantly undermines me and yes sometimes I deserve it and sometimes I don't. Being told I'm going nowhere in life...that hurts...a lot. Not a physical pain but indeed an emotional one.

I can't say much about my father, he's here most of the time but we don't acknowledge each other. He leaves often, and it hurts to know that I'm being abandoned. I'm not being melodramatic. My father tends to leave us for many holidays every year, nothing work related.

Can't say it's not my fault. It is. I have anger issues. I'm angry and crazy and impulsive and ignorant and hateful. I often forgive but never forget, which makes it hard for me to trust anyone.

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I didn't start with cutting, that hadn't even crossed my mind. The first time my emotional pain became too much, I started with pinching until I had purple bruises over my body.

The relief of physical pain removed any trace of emotional pain. And in some strange way, I felt a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. I was floating. Careless and happy.

But as my problems got worse, so did the extent of my self harm. I blamed myself. So many people were having hardships around me, how could I not think it was my fault?

This eventually lead to cutting. And cutting, served as an escape from everything. Watching the crimson droplets form slowly and leave tracks on my arms as they fell to the ground. I felt temporary peace in those times. The bliss of temporary peace was a blessing and that was the greatest feeling in the world.

I could never and will never fully reveal what has and is still happening to me. But if you knew the whole story you'd never judge. And some may think there is no excuse for self-harm but for me, there is no other choice. So before you judge my decisions, consider my options.

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