Fifty Shades Of Us.

Chapter Fourteen.

Chapter Fourteen.

             Seven days have gone by. Seven days since I’ve seen his eyes or his smile. Seven days since he’s completely pushed me out of his life.

             The way I’m sounding seems like all I’ve been doing is stare at the clock but that’s exactly what I was doing. I’ve been sitting on the couch with a sweatshirt of Justin’s on, staring at the same walls of our new house. Our seemed like an insane word to use now that we were no longer. He claimed that we weren’t actually done but he hasn’t called me once to see how I was doing. It’s almost like I was completely irrelevant and non-existent to him.

            If it wasn’t for Pattie I don’t know how I would have made it through the week. She offered to stay with me and even when I said I could take care of myself, she refused and set her bag down onto the couch. I couldn’t be more grateful for her but now that I’m doing better, I told her to go back home with Jeremy and now I’m alone for the first time. I’m alone and all I’ve been doing is stare at these four walls in his sweatshirt, listening to the ticking of the clock in the silence of the house.

            My body was weak and drained, every ounce of emotions have been poured out of me through everything we’ve went through this past week. I kept replaying the fight we had and cringed every time the I hate you part kept replaying. I wish I had never said it because I know it hurt him but then again, he’s hurt me more times than I can count.

            I guess the biggest thing that’s been bothering me is why he would do something like this. I just don’t understand why he became so distant. I wanted to be there for him and I wanted him to be there for me. When times get rough you don’t leave, you stay. Or maybe I’m the only person on earth to think that.

            Literally dragging myself off of the couch, I walked slowly upstairs into our new bedroom and leaned against the doorway when my feet reached the hardwood flooring. I haven’t slept in here yet and I haven’t been able to stand here for more than twenty seconds without wanting to break down and sob again. When Pattie was here I didn’t want to seem weak so I kept my tears inside and tried to act like it didn’t bother me when inside it was tearing me apart.

            For the first time, I finally let it sink in that he wasn’t here. My feet walked into the middle of the room and as soon as I saw the pictures of us on the dresser I began to cry. I sunk down onto my knees and put my face into my hands and sobbed until I couldn’t cry anymore and dry heaved to try and calm myself down. He was gone and there was nothing I could do about it. Everything that I loved was falling from my hands and I could do nothing but watch it happen.

            I felt pathetic sitting here crying when he didn’t even care about being alone. He didn’t need me and that’s what hurt the most. He could get through this without me while I on the other hand needed every ounce of him to even be slightly okay. Wearing his sweatshirt seemed stupid now.

            I tore the fabric off of my body and took my anger out on it, ripping the neckline and watching the seams come apart one by one. I didn’t want to destroy our furniture after everything had just been put in so this seemed like the only thing that felt right. It was something that belonged to him and ripping it to shreds was the only thing I could think of to get him out of my mind.

            “I hate you!” I screamed in the middle of the bare room, trying to get every ounce of anger out that I could.

            Flinging the sweater down onto the ground once it had been ripped beyond belief, my eyes scanned the dresser again and saw my bouquet from the wedding in a vase. Not even a couple of months ago I couldn’t picture myself with a better person and now I’m alone after the death of our daughter because he couldn’t handle it. I thought when we said our vows that we were supposed to mean them. Weddings are supposed to finalize your undeniable love you have for each other but obviously I’m wrong.