The Online Academy

"Sucking Sparks, get a move on!" yelled the P.E teacher from the sideline. "Come on Radioactive Midgets! Move those behinds!" 

We crawled army-style under the soccer nets draped across the floor. Gum from years ago stuck to my weenis as I cringed at the person's butt not inches from my face. I swear it smelt like tobacco. "You're not stopping till you all drop to the ground like flies!" screamed out the P.E teacher, spraying our group, Radioactive Midgets, with spit - even though he was ten meters away. He was the Champion of Spitting, long distance only. 

Tons of girls in my class instantly dropped to the floor, using the teachers words against him, including the girl in front of me. My head was closer to the ground then her ass, but when she stopped and sat, it ended up on my head. I yelped as the odor of tobacco filled my nose and my face was squished painfully into the ground.  

"Whoa man! Wadda sit on -one of ma fans?" A muffled voice rapped. Oh just my luck; I was stuck under Fred - my emo rapping roommate. And she wasn't taking the hint and moving, oh the joy. I don't think Fred was born with the little nagging voice that tells you when to stop an awkward conversation, or in my case, when to move your ass! 

"Hmmf offfa greee!" I tried to yell, the sentence not quiet coming out right.  

"Say what dude?" She leaned forward, allowing me some breathing space. Dude, I believe I am a dudette. 

"Get off-a me!" I screeched, barely being able to breathe.  

"Oh sorry Mindy, didn't realize you were there, my baad dude." She apologized, as she slowly - and I mean slowly - dragged her ass off of my poor, delicate face currently plastered to the floorboards. I groaned, shifted so I was next to her, and sat up under the soccer net which was trying to mess up my perfect hair. I was looking around to see what had happened after a poisonous session -which I hoped no one had seen - with Fred's gluteus maximus. 

No one was looking my way; the teacher was looking at his check board while the rest of the class lay slumped on the ground, silently pretending to be dying due to too much exercise under the soccer nets. My mind suddenly thought up an epic idea - now would be the perfect time to escape and get changed! I mean, sure, there was only 3 minutes left of class, but that's three minutes before rush hour and three minutes to get to the dorm I shared before my roommates and steal the computer! And... I though sneakily, if I bolted towards the girls change rooms, I think I could make it before the teacher saw... 

I crawled like a ninja sideways until I reached the edge of the massive soccer net (I swear it's being fed steroids or something...), and with a quick glance to make sure the teacher was doing anything but his job, I got up in one big leap and ran my heart out towards the change rooms. The whole time I was thinking: 'I can make it, I can make it!', like that little circus train thing on Dumbo that made me cry when I was little.  

Now only about a one meter away from the door, I knew that I could do it. But as soon as I thought that I regretted it, because my eyes were too focused on the PUSH sign written on the door that I hadn't realized one of my classmates that was lying on the floor in front of me, her body limp under the net like a bug under a fly squatter. My feet hit her body with so much force that I was elevated face first up into the air. I had always wanted to fly, but not like this - not when I knew the landing would be painful.  

Why, hello floor, how are you today? Two face plants in one day? My, my - you must feel lucky... 

I cringed as I fell down and flew straight into the change room door. My head started spinning and next thing I know was that all I saw was blackness. In my first P.E lesson of the term, I had already managed to become unconscious, great - just great. I better go tick that off of my list of accomplishments.  

But if I'm unconscious, how am I thinking properly? Shouldn't I be in some la-la land of with the fairies? I suddenly stuck my head up at my stupidity hit me in the face to find my body was sprawled out in an epic looking sausage position. I got up, my nose surely flattened into my face, and felt around the cold walls until I found the light switch. 

"Aha!" I cried triumphantly, flicking the switch, before my attention was turned to the ten or so boys mid-frozen in the act of changing out of their clothes. My eyes went wide and I fumbled for the switch as I kept my eyes locked on theirs. Oh man, the embarrassment!