Aolani
After turning the water off I slowly stepped out of the shower. The first thing that came into view was my mirror, thankfully the fog made it almost impossible for me to clearly see myself. I grabbed my plush towel and wrapped it around my body. Today was a day that would be no different than any other.
I'd get dressed, sit at my vanity and cover the scars.. make myself feel somewhat ready for the day. I won't lie makeup makes me feel pretty, I can choose and play with different colors. It hides my imperfections.. but what happens when I'm too tired to put it on my face? Well I brace myself and I go outside, I try to go with a bare face at least once a week. It's uncomfortable for me, it seems like everyone will focus more on my scars.
It feels like they're judging me for something I can't control. But the scars aren't the only reason I don't feel comfortable. Have you ever heard of the disorder polycystic ovarian syndrome? If not I suggest you do some research on the disorder. In my opinion it's a woman's worst nightmare, I've had it since I was sixteen.
Having this disorder means I have hormonal imbalance. I have a higher risk of developing ovarian cancer, heart disease and diabetes. A higher risk of having a miscarriage if and when I ever get pregnant. No matter what I'm at risk.. it's not my fault, there's nothing I could have done to prevent this. This disorder is something that just happens, there is no cure. It also means I rarely ovulate, if at all.. you know when the egg is released.
Normal women go on to have their period, me? No a cyst forms and eventually it may pop.. causing pain. This happens monthly they never go away, they're constantly there. A few other things I have to deal with are the extra hair on certain parts of my body. No I'm not a man for the people who will wonder it's just one of the many horrible effects of this disorder.
With the help of metformin some of my symptoms have gone away, but for the most part some are still there. The medication was supposed to help me ovulate and reduce some of the hair growth. It has helped me somewhat, but most months I may not get my period. A lot of times I tell myself to take a pregnancy test. Being as though my boyfriend and I are sexually active. But the fear of seeing yet another negative keeps me from doing it. Even though I'm used to it, I don't wanna see it repeatedly..
This just so happens to be one of those months, after so much stress it has caused. I just consider myself lucky, it's one of my ways to cope with it. I live alone so whenever I'm not feeling my best I can easily avoid people. Its not the greatest idea, my parents, my siblings and my boyfriend get worried because I don't answer their calls.
But sometimes I need to be alone, they'll never understand what I'm going through. My mom didn't have to deal with this neither did my sister. Which is why they don't know what I'm going through. What can they say? Oh it'll get better? You don't need kids? It's easy for someone that has experienced pregnancy and childbirth to say something.
They don't know what Its like to break inside when you hear this person is pregnant. Or that person just had their baby, it hurts. Even though I'm happy for those people I'm sad for myself. I don't like to talk about babies as far as everyone knows I don't want kids. But that's far from the truth, many say adoption but that's not the same.
I dropped my towel and began searching through my closet. I pulled down a pair of acid washed jeans and a black graphic tee. I wasn't going anywhere special today, my mom wanted to have dinner at her house. I slipped on my underclothes and sat down at my vanity.
I reached up and turned on the light so I could see better. It has become a habit of mines to point of the imperfections in my skin. I have a few on my cheeks, chin and forehead. I pulled my drawer open and pulled out my face primer, foundation, concealer and my makeup mist and a few other things.
