“If you simply ignored the feeling, you would never know what might happen, and in many ways that was worse than finding out in the first place. Because if you were wrong, you could go forward in your life without ever looking back over your shoulder and wondering what might have been.”-Nicholas Sparks, A Message In A Bottle
Chapter 20-Scattered Emotions
I didn’t know how to feel.
I was at loss in my own body. My emotion scattered around askew. I was a stranger to my own physique, to my own being. I was lost.
I didn’t know how to get over the fact that Vic was traveling thousands of miles away. Not only to a different town, different state, but to a different country, a whole different continent!
I was miserable.
I wanted to hold in my arms, tie him to my bed, never let him go.
But on the other hand, I can’t bring myself to stop him from leaving. I just can’t. He deserves this! Regency is the finest of all universities and he got in. It’s an honor. A privilege.
And he can’t turn it down.
I’ll miss him. I know I will. But I can’t push myself to make him stay. I want this for him. But at the same time I wan’t him close. But I won’t deprive him of this. I’ll make sure he goes. And finishes with an amazing degree, all the way to the end.
You just don’t know if you wanna stick around till the end, my subconsciousness sneered.
I do! I argued back. I do want to stay. I just don’t think it’s the right decision.
He’s going to uni for god’s sakes! A place where people party hard, get drunk till they don’t remember their names, and sleep with anything that has legs. Everyone dreams about a life full of that with their universities.
I know I do.
I love Vic. But I won’t deprive him of the chance to have all these crazy experiences. In 10 years time, when he’s in a bar with his friends, drinking and reliving their uni memories, while his friends narrate their one night stand with their professor, I don’t want him to grumble that he was stuck to his girlfriend, who he, incidentally, couldn’t even kiss, cause she was half the world away!
So where does that leave me? I thought.
I don’t know...I know I’m gonna break up with him before he goes. I know I am. I just don’t think I’ll tell him till the very last moment. I’ll stay with him now though, cherish our last few months together. I’ll enjoy him and make him happy and I’ll just be with him.
It’s the least I can do.
Okay, so that’s it, I’ve made up my mind. I will enjoy my time with Vic now, and when the time comes for him to leave, I will break up with him. Last minute. So he can’t stop me. Or change my mind. Because I’m pretty sure he can do both. I will let him go to this amazing university and get the education he deserves. I’ll let him relish the typical uni life and live life without any regrets, atleast for the future.
What about afterwards then? What about your plans to stay together? What about your plans to get married? Your plans for children with that man you so desperately love? What about the big white house you’ll wanted?
I dont know! I screamed back with fury at my inner devil, glaring at her angry face. Shut the fuck up, I thought.
I just can’t be that girl.
That girl that waits by the phone, or stays up all night in hope for a skype chat. I can’t be her. I’ll go crazy with the insecurity and jealousy. Then he’ll feel suffocated and start lying to me. Then it’ll ruin what was once an amazing relationship. I don’t want that. I want us to end on good terms.
Then even if we meet a few years later..we’ll be okay. We’ll be on a good note.
Just octaves apart, my mind leered.
I’ll decide as I go. I’ll see. I still have 5 months to cherish my love. I’ll do that first.
It was a Sunday night. My last day of holidays before school starts again. I was going in fourth form. And Vic had just finished school. It would be a new experience, going to school without them. Without my boyfriend by my side. Or my brother there chasing down every other guy. Or Arts and Nats to keep me company. I’ll miss them alot, I just realized the impact they have on me.
|Bonnie Wright||as Chelsea Parker|
|Avan Jogia||as Victor Leonard|
|Victoria Justice||as Aleinda Roy|
|Jackson Rathbone||as Harry Parker|
|Tom Felton||as Alex Banjo|
|Zac Efron||as Adrian Banjo|
|Ashley Benson||as Hannah White|
|Justin Bieber||as Sean Mathews|
|Louis Tomlinson||as Nick Renolds|
|Miley Cyrus||as Veronica Leonard|