It All Started In Rehab ✓

[Chapter Fifty-One] How He Saw Me

Chapter Fifty-One – How He Saw Me
Bailey's Pov

After Julian left I grabbed food as I went back to my room, I was sad to see him go by this last week wasn't so bad and I was determined to get through this and I just kept in mind that this was harder on him than it was on me right now. He had to face a lot of things and his agent was pushing him into getting back into acting and I knew it was hard on him but I think it would be great for him.

I grabbed the notebook and started reading some more, it seemed important to him that I did and I didn't want to let him down or anything so I read until I got to the part where I got here, I didn't know if I was ready for that.

He's already told me how he hated me at first and I'm not sure how well I would handle the details of it, the horrible things he said about me and I was so used to his sweet words and him telling me he loved me that to read how he hated me, it just didn't seem right.

I sat there for a while deliberating on what I wanted to do before I put in the happy CD and decided to just woman up and read it and hoped that maybe it would be okay. There was a lot more writing that started after I got here, twice as much at least and I took that as a good sign that maybe I helped him start getting his feelings out.

He told me that I helped him and I guess I was just too stubborn to believe that a no one like me could actually make a positive difference in his life.

The first couple talked about how I annoyed him which made me smile, I know we didn't get along very well it's so weird to see how far we've come and reading this is like reliving it all over again, it was like going back in time and it sucked to think about where I was when I got here but it also made me proud of myself to see how far I've come.

I don't know what the hell she's doing to me but I hate it. Why did I have to go to her room that day? I don't know but I did and now I can't get her out of my mind. The way she was terrified of me at first and how she needed me that day, how it she whimpered as she slept unless I was touching her. I don't know why I can't leave her alone and I don't know why I just feel such a hatred for her.

She didn't really do anything to me but annoy me, I think I just hate her because she makes me feel something and I worked for years to try not to feel anything. Feelings were just weakness. She makes me weak and I hate that, I hate her.

Sure she's hot and would be a great fuck, damn I bet she's a firecracker in bed and I would love to feel her naked body, to hear her moan my name all night long.

But it's not just that and it annoys me, I for some fucking reason care about her as an actual person and It's so fucking just infuriating. I don't want to care about her, the most I should want from her is a good lay but I feel so damn wrong having those thoughts about her, another reason I hate her.

She's not doing anything but she's doing everything, I actually talked to her and I don't fucking like people.

Shit.

I set the book down after that one, well I guess he was attracted to me I though a little bitterly, it hurt that this is what he once thought about me, granted it says he cared for some reason but for him to say how he just wants to screw me makes me feel a little sick and I'm reminded just how many women he's been with.

It doesn't matter.

I said that to myself over and over again but it did kind of matter to me, he was a man I was seriously considering giving my virginity too, the only man I want to ever sleep with, and that would me someone I would marry. He was all these things but would I even matter to him? Would having sex with me be just another time to him?