Falling for You (Lesbian Love Story)

Chapter Nineteen: Don't Forget

Chapter Nineteen:

Carson's POV

Black stars, black holes, black hearts, black cats, black hats, black mats, black tattoos, black rats... I thought consecutively trying to keep my mind busy. I trembled in the third floor bathroom stall where I'm pretty sure Kiara would never go. My face was probably red and my  chest felt like it was on fire. I can't even venture my thoughts over to her everytime I even attemped acid felt like it was filling my throat. I sat on the toilet seat top as the rough tears fell from my eyes and harsh sobs erupted from my lips. I've never been so hurt or decieved in my entire life.  Even with my mother's death, we all saw it coming, stage four lung cancer. It was almost easier to understand because my entire childhood was spent with her smoking her menthols and speaking in that smooth raspy voice of hers, telling all of her stories. She had kept her habit since the age of fifteen, so we all laid her to rest in all her beauty and grace...

But this ripped my head and my heart into shreds. I was actually starting to let my guard down. Deluding myslef into thinking it would be easy to let go, that people aren't going to hurt you that bad, that barriers need to be lifted. And it so glaringly obvious that I was dead wrong.  And to actually think I wasted all this time, time that could have been spent finding a real relationship and letting my guard down to someone who deserved it. I deserve better, thats it! I shouldn't be crying over the likes of her, why cry over something that can't change when I could be using this energy elsewhere, where it counts. I rolled off a couple pieces of tissues and dabbed my face with it while admiring myself in my compact mirror. 

Puffy cheeks and red eyes certainly aren't attractive, but they can definitely be fixed. I had some eye drops in my purse and I put two in each eye. Next, I pulled out my concealer and began to apply liberal amounts under my eyes and put another coat of eye liner on. I fluffed my hair and dabbed on a little lip gloss and tried to smile. It looked believable enough, though it didn't reach my eyes completely.I marched out of that bathroom as confident as ever not focusing any specific face looking like I ruled the world, because I do.

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The day passed quickly, my friends asking no question about the empty seat at our table. I smiled and laughed even at everything I was supposed to, gave my advice where needed, and kept quiet and calm during class. But I knew they knew something was up, they didn't say but it wasn't too hard to figure out. I rushed to my car at the end of the day hoping to gain some solitude, but evidently today just really wasn't my day. Matthew flagged me down in the parking lot breathing heavily, wanting to catch his breath.

"Damn girl, you walk fast." He gasped kneeling over. I rolled my eyes and stepped towards my car.

"I only walk fast when I have places to go, what do you want?" I replied defensively. I was in no mood to talk to any one, especially Matthew.

"Woah, calm down. I was just going to ask if the dinner was still on tonight." I sighed and leaned on the car massaging my temples. Was I really in the mood for this today? But, if he doesn't go I'll have hell to pay. 

"Fine, dinner starts at seven, be there ahead of time maybe at 6:45pm." He nodded and backed away slowly as if he was afraid I was going to jump out at him. I opened the door and sat in the parking lot for a second, closing my eyes and leaning back. When I could feel my body relaxing into the chair, I started the engine and drove away. I was half way up my driveway when I parked and searched for my liquor stash. I happened upon a water bottle filled with some beer and a little bit of tequila and a splash of lime juice. I sipped slowly wanting to savor every drop.