Resolutions

I remember the first time you kissed me.

          It was New Year’s Eve, and I was nervous. I sat, snuggled up next to Matt on the couch, in the living room of your house, surrounded by a dozen of our friends. Correction; they were mostly his friends; to me they were only acquaintances. Everyone had brought someone. Eric had his arms wrapped around his girlfriend, Nicole and John were making out at the end of the couch- barely two feet away from Matt and I, Bryan had his girlfriend, Kevin has his latest girl, and Matt; well… he had me.

          And I was a nervous wreck.

          We were all waiting for the ball to drop, waiting for the final count down, waiting for a new year to begin, and waiting for that kiss.

          Matt tightened his arms around me when, on the television, we watched as the ball in Time’s Square was about to drop. He lifted me onto his lap as the countdown began.

          Ten…Nine…

          I looked around the room at all of the couples smiling at each other while they prepared to kiss at midnight.

          Eight…Seven…

          On the television, the ball was descending to the sound of the drunken counting of the crowd.

          Six…Five…

          Matt pulled me closer, forcing me to lean over his face; my lips just inches from his.

          Four…

          I looked into his eyes, but they weren’t looking into mine; his were staring at my lips and my breasts.

          Three…

          I watched as Matt licked his lips and smiled, before finally bringing his lustful gaze up to my scared eyes.

          Two…

          I took a deep breath, preparing myself for this, my first kiss. Out of the corner of my eye, for just the briefest of moments, I locked gazes with you, Matt’s best friend, the only one without someone on New Year’s Eve. You were staring back at me, looking sad and defeated, and you gave me a small smile.

          One…

          I gathered all of my courage, leaned forward, and I kissed him.

          “Happy New Year!”

          The ball had dropped. Crowds in Time’s Square were cheering to ring in the New Year. On the television, fireworks were exploding and creating a colorful night sky. And on that couch, in your living room, surrounded by you and Matt’s friends… his forceful tongue was in my mouth, and his big hands were on my breasts.

          My first kiss.

          He tasted like the pizza that he had eaten earlier. His hands were hurting, they didn’t feel right. He kept flicking his tongue around in my mouth; it was confusing; I didn’t like it. He was moaning, licking, gripping, grinding. I wanted it to stop. I wanted him to stop. I wanted to leave, to go home, and to not be kissing him anymore.

          Someone clapped their hands, and he finally stopped. Matt took his tongue out of my mouth and grinned at me. I forced a smile back and wiped my mouth. We both looked over. You were the one who clapped your hands, and you were staring at us. You looked sad again. Hurt. I wanted to get off of Matt’s lap and go ask you what was wrong, but I couldn’t –I had come with Matt.