The Girl
"Hello." I flash my best smile at the blond haired chick who has entered my lair. "I'm Harry P."
She rolls her eyes. She seems moody, dammit, this is gonna be annoying.
"You want a bite?" I am kind, she can have some of the buttlestarch. In-fact she can have all of it.
She wrinkles her nose and walks straight past me, towards the glass wall. She is leaning against it, looking sad.
"Do you like ice-cream?" It seems a sensible thing to ask.
"No, I hate ice-cream." She folds her arms and squints at me. "Don't talk to me, I'm not in the mood."
What? This is not good. How can anyone not like ice-cream? I should tell the aliens to take her back, send me a different one.
"What's your name?" I ask her as she studies the, cage I suppose.
"Don't talk to me I said."
"Who else am I gonna talk to?"
"Fair enough, you have a point." She looks at me thoughtfully. "My name is Anita."
"Well, good then."
Now that she is prepared to speak, I have nothing to say. I just stare at her, like a lemon. This is awkward. I need to do something to impress her, and fast. I should pick my nose. No, wait that wont work. A back-flip, that'll do it!
I run up the wall and kick off into the air, tumbling over and over and land with perfect poise. Anita must have liked that, it was undeniably impressive. She is looking at me weird, she should be clapping and smiling. She is all wrong.
"Your nose is wonky." Anita decides to remind me. "And you smell bad."
"Shut up Anita." Oops, that was a bad move. Too late now though, I said it. "Stop being a bitch."
What the hell is wrong with me, why would I say that? I can see how angry she is, she is gonna hit me for sure. Oh well, I deserve it. I'm gonna take this slap like a man, and then I'll go ask Pinky for some ice-cream. I think I preferred it when I was alone.
That stung, I don't like Anita, she is a dweeb. I bet the aliens wont like her either. Good, I'll still be the favourite around here. I'm gonna ask for a trade, get a better girl. I better not be stuck with this one.
I should sing for her, she'll like that. What kind of song will be best for the occasion? A happy song, yes, but not too happy. Something with a good rhythm, a banging tune, a feel good ditty about ice-cream. No, not ice-cream, Anita hates that. Frogs, maybe, or pickles. I'm gonna have to make something up, and fast. Anita is waiting to be entertained, she needs me to sing to her.
Think, Harry, think. What about a yodel? Yes, that's perfect! Traditional, universal, and happy. Anita is gonna love the way I yodel.
"Yodel-Ay-Ee-Oooo." Anita looks shocked, she obviously has not heard such a powerful yodel before. "Yodel-Odle-Ee, Yodle-Olde-Aye, Odle-Ooodle-Ee-Ee-Oooo!"
Anita is stunned, I can tell. She is hypnotised by my wonderful skill. I must capitalize, give her the full effect. A personalised song. Brilliant!
"Aniiita, A-Neet-Aa. Anita is the best!" This is great, gotta keep going, add some moves. "The best one, the best one. Anita is my best one"
Starjumps. Of course! Girls love stars. Better do as many as I can, as fast as I can. But I also have to time my song, otherwise it wont make sense.
"A-Neet-Aa, best, best, best." Faster dammit, must go faster. " A-Nt-A, Est, est, est!"
Drum solo to end it, a few strums of the air guitar to really top it off. Ok, I'm done.
Something is wrong with her. Why does she look so worried? Maybe she is expecting more, jeez girls are demanding. Is it too late to moonwalk? I should have opened with that. Rookie mistake, how could I forget to moonwalk? I'll just slide into it, she'll hardly notice the transition.
"Stop!" Anita sounds like a teacher, too serious by far.
"I'm only just getting started." I have to reassure her, she must know that this is but a tiny fraction of the performance that is now forming in my mind. "I will blow your mind, I'll make you weep with joy, you are gonna get a once-in-a-lifetime treat. I want you to..."