Promise Me (Book One of the Kirkland Family)

Promise Me: Chapter 31

Chapter 31

Justin picked up Josie and after the initial “Did you have fun?” and “How was the movie?”, he cleared his throat and asked, “Honey...how would you feel if I started dating again?”

“Dating?” Josie asked with a small frown, as though her father dating was a foreign concept.  “I don’t know.  Who do you want to date?  Because, if it's not Hannah, then I think she might get mad at you.”

"Oh, yeah?  Why do you say that?"

"Because, Daddy," she began, importantly.  "Girls don't like it when you kiss them and then go out with someone else."

He mimicked her frown...and not in a good way.  Bad things started rolling through his head.  "How would you know that?"

"That's what Grandma said."

"What else did Grandma say?"  'Cuz me and Grandma are gonna have some words later.

"She said that if you don't start acting right, then she was going to take a switch to your behind."

"When did she tell you that?"

"Sunday, when you were taking Hannah home.  So, is it Hannah?"

"Is it Hannah what?"

Josie rolled her eyes.  "Do...you...want...to...date...Han...nah?"

Thinking that this discussion was getting too frustrating to have while driving, Justin pulled into the nearest parking lot.  A gas station.  The same gas station where he first saw Hannah at the start of the summer.  He smiled to himself while he remembered that night, how things had changed so much since then, and he shifted into neutral, letting the truck idle.  Turning in his seat, he faced his daughter and said, “Yes, I want to date Hannah.”

This was something he’d been thinking about ever since he and Hannah talked Saturday night on his mother’s swing, but he was still afraid of how Josie would react.  But now he was more afraid of letting this opportunity go, especially after their fight that afternoon and seeing how that Eric guy had been leering at Hannah yesterday.  Justin saw him smiling at her, and the big, green, ugly monster reared its head.  Jealousy.  He’d been jealous.  It was as simple as that.  He didn’t want Hannah to take interest in another man.  He wanted her all to himself...which was stupid since he didn’t know if their relationship was going to last.  But that was the way he felt.  He wanted to be with Hannah -- without the secrets and the scurrying around -- until he figured out exactly how he felt about her.  

And it also had something to do with something his mother said -- “I think you’re wonderful.  I always have.”  She said that right after she discovered that Hannah had slept with both him and Luke.  What kind of person earned such adoration in a mother who knew that about a woman?  His mom had hated Beth on sight.  But Hannah...

Justin had always respected both his parents’ opinions, though he didn’t agree with all of them.  And up until a few weeks ago, he absolutely didn’t agree that Hannah was this sweet, nurturing, loving person.  It was difficult for a man to admit he’d been wrong.  And Justin was no exception.  He hung onto his judgement of Hannah for about as long as he could, but in the midst of Josie’s surgery and suffering, he saw Hannah for the woman she truly was.  And he still fought against her.  ”I love...nevermind.”  Was she in love with him?  Had she almost said that?  And if she had said it, what would he had said in return?

I don’t know.

Even this afternoon, he grappled with his growing affection, not knowing exactly how he felt about Hannah, because he had jumped head first into his marriage with Beth and he wasn't about to go through that kind of pain again.  Yet, he knew Hannah was nothing like Beth, and he'd been using Josie and their impeding distance apart as meager excuses to give himself more time.  The distance thing...well, he didn’t know how to fix that.  But Josie...if Josie was okay with him seeing Hannah -- and understood all the ramifications and complications that will eventually arise -- then why did he have to continue hiding?  Why couldn’t they spend these last three weeks together, in Josie’s complete knowledge?  She didn’t have to know everything, of course, but if she didn’t mind that her father and her friend were dating...

Waiting for Josie to respond to his declaration, he pondered further, thinking about how lighter his chest felt for saying that to his little girl, for not having to keep it a secret any longer, for knowing that he should have done this days ago.  And then Josie said, “If you start dating Hannah, does that mean you’ll marry her and we can stay here?”

“Marry her?”  Marry Hannah.  “Honey, no...I just want to take her out on a few dates.  And we can’t stay here.  We have to go home in three weeks.  You have school.”

Josie blinked.  “But I don’t want to go back to Savannah.  I can go to school here.”

Justin scrubbed his fingers through his hair, holding onto his patience.  This was a problem he knew he’d have to face, but there was no easy solution.  Their whole lives were in Georgia.  “Josie, honey--”

“No, Daddy,” she argued, but calmly without the attitude or the tears, “I like it here.  I have friends here. I get to do stuff here that I never got to do at home.  Grandpa takes me fishing and riding on his tractor.  Grandma lets me bake cookies and she doesn’t mind the mess like Teresa does.  Hannah lets me drive her Gator and listens to me sing and teaches me to play the guitar, and I have a job and I have my own money, and...and...”

“And what, Josie?” he asked.  “You do lots of stuff back home.  There’s the beach and better shopping and all those things you used to like.”

She turned away and bit down on her bottom lip, the same way Hannah did, chewing on the right-hand corner.  Marry Hannah. Are you in love with me, Hannah?

“I like the things here, Daddy.  You...you talk to me here.  We never talked at home.  We just yelled at each other, and I don’t want to go back!  I don’t!”

“Oh, sweetie,” he sighed.  “We’ll still talk to each other.  That won’t change.  I can promise you that.”

“But you were always so busy at work,” she disputed.  “And you always came home late, and you would never let me leave the house because...because you were always scared something might happen to me.  Here, I can go outside.  I can take walks and go to places with my friends, and you don’t worry about me.  It’s safer here.”

“Josie, it’s not any safer here than anywhere else,” he said.  “There’s bad people everywhere, and I do worry about you, but you’ve made better choices in your friends here, and I know you’ll do the same back home.”

She crossed her arms over her chest in a semblance of the attitude she once portrayed on a daily basis.  Justin had to smile at that.  She was still his Josie, still feisty and opinionated and young.  But he did admit that she’d grown up a little this summer.  This talk they were having...she wasn’t shouting at him and stomping her feet and telling him she hated him and he was mean.  She was listening...sort of.  And that was a start.

“I still don’t want to go home,” she huffed, but then she smiled at him.  “But I like Hannah, and it’s okay if you date her.  She likes you, too.”

Justin let out a breath.  “I’m glad it’s okay with you.  I was tired of sneaking around--”

Josie’s eyes landed on him in a flash, and he had one thought cross his mind -- Crap, did I really say that?

“Sneaking around?” she asked.  “How long have you been dating her?  You just got back last week.”

“Um, yeah, well...we kind of saw each other the night of the concert while you were at the lock-in, and...”

She arched an eyebrow.  Now, she looked a lot like him.  “And?”

“And we had lunch today,” he conceded guiltily.

“Are you and Hannah having sex?”

His jaw dropped open.  "Wh-what do you know about s-s-sex?"  

"Daddy, you're stuttering," she stated.

"Josie, you're thirteen!  What do you know about sex?!"

She rolled her eyes again.  "I do watch tv, you know."

"Not anymore, you don't!"

"Daddy...I’m not dumb.  I know what sex is.  Don’t you remember that doctor explaining to me why my body started menstruating?  It’s because I’ll be able to have babies one day."

His eyes blinked at her in rapid succession.  His thoughts began to spiral into dangerous -- murderous -- territory.  Babies?  His baby...having a baby...I'll kill the sonofabitch that touches her!  

“You are not having a baby!” he roared.

“Well, not right now!  Jeez, Daddy!  I’m thirteen!  Maybe in a few years--”

“Like hell you will!”  

“Daddy!  I meant, like in ten years or so!  I do want to go to college and get a job and then get married, and then have a baby!  Gawd!  I’ve never even kissed a boy before!”

Justin whooshed out a breath and pressed a palm to his chest...never even kissed a boy.  Thank you, Jesus!  "I think I just had a mini-heart attack."

"Well, you still didn't answer my question."

"And I'm not going to," he said, breathing and calming his racing heart.

"Why not?  I don't mind if you're having sex with Hannah.  As long as you're careful.  There's a lot of gross stuff going around out there--"

"Josie, I swear to God, if that's your grandma talking again..."

"No, that's from a safe sex special on MTV."

Justin groaned and backed the truck out of the parking lot.  “No more television for you.  And we're going to have a very long talk when we get home, but I’m not discussing the particulars between Hannah and me with you,” he said.  “I like Hannah, and you say she likes me, and we want to spend more time together, and that’s all you need to know about that.”

“Well, if you're not having sex, then I think you should -- Grandma said it’s natural for a man and woman who care deeply for each other -- maybe even love each other -- to sleep together, and then maybe you’ll get married!  Although, she doesn’t recommend that you do it in that order...Grandma was very strict about that point.  No sex until marriage.  But if you’re going to marry Hannah, then I don’t see why it should matter.”

Marry Hannah.  Fall in love...

But explaining sex without love was stretching his parental abilities at the moment. Pulling into traffic, Justin said with a warning tone, “Josie...do me a favor, don't say anything else until we get back to the farm.”

"Okay, Daddy,” she said with a giggle, but when he glanced at her, she had a very serene, optimistic smile on her face, and he knew she wasn’t kidding at all.  He suspected he might be half in love with Hannah as it was  -- Do you love me, Hannah?  And if Hannah’s non-answer this afternoon when he asked her if she was in love with him was anything to go by...

She was probably already there.

*****

Grabbing her overnight bag, Hannah headed down the stairs, checked to make sure Teddy had plenty of food and water for the day -- Kim would come by and check on her later -- and walked out the door.  It was early enough that she had already missed most of the rush hour traffic heading into the city on her way through and out toward Memphis.  Normally, the drive would take a couple of hours, but with the construction on the interstate between here and there, she wanted to have plenty of time to check into her hotel and freshen up before meeting with Ms. Williams at the studio.

She planned ahead, making sure she had a full tank of gas in her car, her cell phone charger, her guitar, a map of downtown Memphis with highlights of restaurants near her hotel and some shopping malls in case she found herself bored and needing to waste some time.  What she hadn’t planned was seeing the black Dodge in her driveway and the two people she loved more than anything waiting on her.

Hannah stopped on the porch and watched Justin and Josie climb out of his truck.  What are they doing here?

“Hannah!” Josie yelled, a smile a mile wide on her face.  “I wanted to see you before you left!  Daddy says you’re going to make a music record!  That’s so cool!”

Moving down the steps, Hannah’s mouth went dry.  Why did he tell her that?  “Well, not exactly.  I’m just going to talk to some people, that’s all.”

“I still think it’s cool!  I wish I could go with you, but Daddy says I can't.”  Josie gave Hannah a big hug and continued to smile.  “And he wants to ask you something,” she stage-whispered.

“Oh?”  Hannah glanced at Justin, who came to a halt a few feet away, staring at her intently.

Josie rose up to her tiptoes and said, “Yeah...he’s going to ask you on a date.”

Justin cleared his throat.  “Josie, I’m sure I can ask a woman out on my own.”

“Then ask her already!” Josie squealed.  “And Hannah, you have to say yes...he’s been practicing all morning.  He’s really nervous.”

Hannah bit back her smile.  Nervous, huh?  Justin grumbled and said, “Josie, get back in the truck, so I can do this without you interrupting.”

Josie grinned.  “Okay!  Bye, Hannah!  Have a wonderful time in Memphis!”  She giggled maliciously, and Hannah was worried.  What was going on?

The girl skipped past and slid into her father’s truck, watching them through the window.  Justin cleared his throat again and stuffed his hands in his pockets.  A timid smile curved her lips as she clung to her bag.  “You told her.”

“I did.”

Her fingers twiddled with her car keys.  “Thank you.”

Justin walked closer to her.  “Thank you...I feel better that she knows.”

“Me, too,” she agreed and then eyed him warily.  “How much did you tell her?”

Chuckling, he said, “Believe me, she kept trying to get details out of me, and my daughter has a bigger grasp on the world than I wish, but all I said was that I saw you Friday night after the concert and we had lunch yesterday, and I refused to disclose any more than that.”

“Oh, okay,” she said like she’d been holding her breath.  “Good.”

Justin moved a little closer and peeked back at the truck.  “Now that the cat’s out of the bag, have dinner with me tonight.”

“Tonight?  Justin, I’m going to Memphis--”

“I know,” he said.  “Josie is spending the day and night with a friend from the choir, since they have practice this afternoon.  But if you’ll wait for me -- just an hour so I can get her dropped off -- we can go together.  I’ll drive.”

“I...”

His palm cupped her cheek.  “Please, say yes...I’ve screwed up a lot lately, and I want to make this up to you.”

“But--”

His finger covered her mouth.  “I know what you’re going to say.  Josie knows I’ll be spending the night in Memphis with you.  You cannot even begin to imagine the conversation I had with her last night, but I think it’s past time that she understands I’m a father first, but I’m a man second.”

“She’s going to get the wrong idea about us,” Hannah said around his finger.

“Another thing we cleared up last night,” he told her.  “Hannah, I’m not going to lie to you.  I don’t know where we go from here, but I want to stay on this ride with you for as long as it lasts.  I have three weeks to figure it all out.  Let me come to Memphis with you to meet with this record company.  Let me share this part of your life.  Let me take you on a real date, in a fancy restaurant, and spend two days with you, without worrying about what Josie thinks, without us fighting over the future, just you and me, together.”

Tears came to her eyes.  “Justin...I -- If we spend too much time together, and you leave -- I don’t...I’m not strong enough...”

“Shh,” he hushed, cradling her face and wiping the moisture from her eyes.  “Here and now, Hannah...you and me.  That’s all I’m asking right now.”

Nodding, she said, “Okay...yes, I’d love for you to come with me.”

He kissed her softly -- Josie whooped from inside the truck, and he rolled his eyes, saying, “I’ll be back in just a bit.  Did you pack something for a real date tonight?”

She scrunched her nose up.  “Do I have to wear a dress?”

“You can wear whatever you want,” he replied, smiling, “but I’m warning you...I plan to go all out and make our first date as memorable as possible.”

“I can’t wait,” she said, smiling.  A real date...out of town, over night...and Josie knows!  Oh, dear heavens...I hope he knows what he’s doing.

*****

So nervous, he was shaking, Justin dropped Josie off at her friend’s house and gave her a kiss good-bye while she grinned and said, “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!”

He groaned, saying, “Just remember what I said last night.”

“Oh, I remember,” she said cheekily.

Yeah, it was hard for him to forget.  He had to sit down with her at his mother’s kitchen table and give the extended version of the Sex Talk.  It had been the worse two hours of his life, scrambling in his brain for the right words, trying his damnedest to keep Hannah out of the discussion, but Josie kept bringing her back with questions like, “So, about marrying Hannah...?”

He was surprised he had any hair left.  All he could say to Josie was, “Let me and Hannah figure out what we’re doing, and then, I promise you, I’ll let you know, okay?”

“Okay,” she had replied, but then said, “But if you’re not getting married, what you’re doing is wrong...you said so yourself.”

Yeah, he had.  While evading questions about Hannah, Justin had been subjected to interrogations about the biology of sex, and he kept repeating that it’s a bad idea to engage in sexual congresses outside of marriage...or love.  The responsibilities were too great.  After which, Josie pointed out that sex with Hannah should be a bad idea, and to which, he replied with a flapping jaw and more scrambling.  Grandma and Grandpa didn’t help matters.  They didn’t help at all.  Justin kept looking to them for some assistance, but he got nothing.

So now, halfway to Memphis, stuck in a crawl of construction traffic, he replayed the last eighteen hours in his head, along with a litany of Marry Hannah. Do you love me, Hannah? and speculating if Josie had been right.  Too many responsibilities.

He glanced over at the redheaded beauty and noticed she’d gone from biting her lip to chewing on her fingernails while the flat scenery inched past their windows.  They’d been staring at the rear end of a tanker truck for the past twenty minutes, and he wondered if the slow traffic was wearing on her nerves, or if it was him coming along with her, or if it was the meeting with the record producer.

“You want to stop and get something to eat?” he asked.

She placed her hands in her lap and let out a small laugh.  “I don’t think I could eat anything.”

“Nervous?”

“A little, yeah.”

He reached over and dropped his hand on her shoulder, letting his fingers caress the side of her neck.  “But you’ve done this before, and this time, they called you, so that should tell you something.”

She smiled.  “All it tells me is that I’m too old to be going through all this again.”  And now, back to nibbling on her bottom lip.  “Maybe we should just go back home.  You were right.  I have a good life.  I don’t need anything else.  I especially don’t need another egotistical record producer telling me I suck.”

“Hannah, you don’t suck...well, actually you do, and very well, might I add,” he tempered with a lavish grin and waggle of eyebrows, “but your singing doesn’t suck.  You have a beautiful, sexy voice, and it’s about damn time somebody else recognized that.”

Though she shook her head at his joke, she sighed heavily.  “You know, if you’d said that yesterday when you had me pinned down on my desk, I might be more inclined to believe you.”

Guilt flooded through him.  “I am sorry about that, Hannah.  Yes, I should have showered you with compliments and congratulations instead of getting pissed, but I still stand by what I said.  I don’t want to see you hurt again.”

Again, she sighed.  “I know...and I’m sorry for picking a fight with you about it.  But you hit a nerve.  You don’t know what it was like for me in California, going to audition after audition, hearing the same thing over and over again.  For five years, I heard directors telling me to taking acting classes and then come back, and I did, and I still wasn’t good enough, unless I wanted to get down on my hands and knees and audition for a different lead.  Or record companies telling me I didn’t have the right sound or the right image or the right voice.  I wasn’t edgy enough or rough enough.  I was too sweet or too country or too this or too that.  If I wasn’t good enough then, they why would I be good enough -- or different -- now?”  She twisted in her seat and looked out the back window.  “We should turn around and go home.”

Justin listened to her and he looked at her, and he felt his temper rise.  Not good enough?  Californians must be deaf, blind and dumb.  She was amazing.  And he planned to make sure she heard that over and over again.  “Hannah?”

“Hmm?”

The traffic came to a stop.  “Come here...kiss me.”

She stared at him and smiled, a bright smile, and stretched past the restraints of her seat belt to plant a kiss on his lips.  “You are going to go to this meeting,” he said quietly, brushing his thumb over her cheek, “and you are going to sing your ass off, and this Olivia Williams person is going to love you.”

She kissed him again, lingering on his words.  Then she grinned and licked at his mouth, and said, “Damn straight, she’s going to love me,” in a defiant tone.  “What’s not to love?”

He held her gaze, saw the real question behind her eyes, and he wondered the same thing.  What’s not to love?  Do you love me, Hannah?  He pulled her back to him, and the next kiss caused a further back-up in traffic, and when he leaned back, it was to the sound of horns blaring behind them.  Hannah laughed as he moved the truck up, closing the quarter-mile gap between them and the tanker truck.  She said nothing else.  And he was grateful, otherwise, he might be tempted to repeat that question, Are you in love with me?  And right now, she needed to focus on this meeting.

Someone had to focus, because all Justin could think about was, “Are you in love with her?”

*****