(A/N) Just a little narry one shot based off of the song by lana del rey
Dark Paradise by Lana Del Rey, you really should listen to it when you’re reading this. I know the song is about her boyfriend dying, but still the lyrics seemed to fit the story quite well.
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Warning: Self harm, boyxboy (there is absolutley no sexual contact in this though)
Everytime I close my eyes…….
I see his blue eyes like two individual oceans, flecked with bright gold, his emotions so easily read through those bright blue orbs. I felt myself getting lost in them, my mind swimming in the ocean of his eyes.
I knew he could see me staring at me, but yet I just didn’t care anymore.
I wanted him to know how I felt, I had to tell him.
Yes I might be risking everything, But hiding my love for him is killing me inside…….
It’s like a dark paradise…….
I saw you walk away from me, that broke me inside.
As soon as I told you how I felt you look disgusted, like I was worthless.
You made me convince myself, I am just unwanted.
I ruined our friendship, When you walked away from me a little piece of me died..
But I knew I could find comfort in the razor gleaming in the moonlight
I picked up the razor blade from the windowsill and let it dance across my wrist
No one compares to you…….
I watched as the blood crept slowly down my arm
With every cut, and every drop of blood I felt myself getting dizzy
But I didn’t care, it numbed the pain
I hated being in pain, and I knew cutting was the only way to relieve it
Because no one could compare to you
You’re the only one
And my feelings are not returned
I’m scared that you won’t be waiting on the other side…….
I heard a loud thumping on the other side of the door.
I knew it was you
Did you want to make me feel even worse than I already did
Luckily I always lock the door when I cut
I heard you sigh on the other side obviously frustrated that I had locked it
Harry please open the door, we need to talk
I wanted to run up to the door and open it
But I was scared you would just break my heart again
I reluctantly walked up to the door, scared, afraid.
I was scared this was a joke, just to break me down even further
As I opened the door one fear bounced around my brain
I’m scared that you won’t be waiting on the other side
All my friends ask me why I stay strong…….
When I opened the door I was stunned
You’re just so breathtakingly beautiful, every time I see you I can’t get enough
Finally you broke the terrible silence that was weighing down the air with tension
Harry, what is that on your arm?
You asked frantically, you held my wounded arm in your small hands
I just smirked
I’m broken, just like you want me to be
You looked at me with complete and bitter disgust
I tried to keep my smile, hold back the tears that were begging to fall
Harry I don’t want you to be broken, why would you think that?
You said this with complete concern, which worried me
I finally sighed and let the words that have been tugging at my throat spew out
Because, you made me feel worthless. I have loved you my whole life, I have dedicated every
Second to thinking about you, and how happy you would make me be.
But you don’t make me happy, you hurt me, is this what you wanted?
I finally told you I loved you after two years of hiding, I risked everything.
And you looked at me like I wasn’t even worthy of living
You made me feel worthless and unwanted
All my life my friends asked me why I stay strong
For you, they said you weren’t worth it.
I tried to convince them they were wrong, I lost all my friends
And it was all for you, every last bit.
I love you.
By the end of my speech I felt myself getting angry, more and more angry.