Don't Let Me Fall Again

Chapter Seventeen - Lovely Love

My head was pounding, almost like someone was thumping a hammer against my skull. I was in the hospital, and I didn’t even have to open my eyes to know that. The constant beep of a monitor beside me was one of the first things to annoy me enough to wake up. I felt so weird. Something about me felt really weird, but I wasn’t too sure if I wanted to open my eyes and find out what was wrong.

But then I remembered the reason why I was so exhausted. Last night after the police came (which was just seconds after Ryan was shot), the ambulance arrived and rushed me into the hospital, Ryan on the stretcher beside me. As soon as we got into the hospital, we were separated, both taken to different operation rooms. Where was he now? Was he okay? He dropped me so he could take the bullet. I felt like killing him, if Travis didn’t already.

All of that blood, both mine and his on the patio … and the pain in my stomach. The pain was just too horrible to even begin to describe it, I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy – not even Travis. For those crucifying hours of tears, blood and unbearable cramps, I truly believed I was going to die. But I didn’t, my baby did.

I opened my eyes, moving my hand to my stomach, my heart shattering in horror. My baby was dead, all gone. It was all my fault. If I just would’ve listened to Ryan for once in my life, I’d still be pregnant. If I left when Ryan told me to, my baby would still have a beating heart, it would still be growing inside me, it would still be a part of me.

Hot tears flooded down from my eyes and covered my cheeks, my shoulders shaking with the sobs. I couldn’t stop crying, and I don’t think I ever would. My poor baby … Ryan’s poor baby … Our poor baby was gone forever. What on earth did we do to deserve this? I never even felt it kick or move … and I’d never get the chance to. It was just lifeless proof that my life was a mess.

The door opened slowly, and Sinead stepped into the room. Her lips were pressed together in a thin white line as she walked over to my bed, holding a box of Kleenex. She sat down, placed the box on the little table beside me and held my hand comfortingly. She just stayed there in silence with me, letting me cry until my tear ducts seemed to dry up, and then let out a deep sigh.

‘You must feel so bad,’ she said, moving over to sit on the end of my bed. ‘I can’t imagine all the pain you’re feeling … But you’ve got to understand that none of this is your fault. Sometimes things just don’t work out the way you want them to … but everything happens for a reason, right? That’s what you always say, isn’t it? Maybe you weren’t ready to have a baby.’

I shook my head, letting go of her hand. ‘How could you say that? I was ready to have a baby! I loved my baby, and now it’s dead! My baby’s gone all because of me! If I just stayed away from Travis this would’ve never happened! It’s dead, Sinead! I killed my own baby –!’

‘That’s not true, Laura –!’ Sinead said sharply, but I cut her off.

‘Where’s Ryan? I need to tell him …’ I said, looking at the drips connected to my wrist and ripping all of them away. It hurt a lot, but it was nothing compared to the pain I was already feeling. I pushed myself up off the bed, my legs quivering as I first stood up. Sinead tried to stop me from going anywhere, but I just pushed her away from me, determined to see my boyfriend.

I hurried out of the room, out into the corridor where nurses where rushing around, and looked around for a door with Ryan’s name, or some type of clue to show me where he was. And then I found him, in the room right next to me, in a deep sleep on his bed. I crept into the room, trying my best to close the door quietly behind me, and sat on the end of his bed.

I was afraid to touch him, a little thrown off-guard by how vulnerable he looked. There was some type of ventilator connected to him, helping him breathe. Blood was being supplied into his wrist through a tube connected to a big bag of it, and IV fluids were dribbling into his bloodstream next to it. I had never seen him like this, and it scared me.