Never Have I Ever

Chapter 27

if this is confusing to you i'm sorry it's lissa's point of view for the first part, and she's switching back from being all drunk n shit to when tom was alive/in the hospital yUP i tried to make it good but it probably sucks

Chapter 27

(Lissa's POV)

               "You know," Tom's breath on my cheek made me nestle closer to him in my bed, his legs tangled with mine. "I'm going to love you forever, girl."

               This was one of our good days. The days his eyes shined, happy and warm and true. Other days weren't so good. He was either drunk or with someone else in his own bed, a girl he wouldn't remember in the morning. I'd learned to forget about those days, just to curl into these. I wanted this Tom forever. "I know," I whispered, even though I doubted it. I could feel myself slowly losing him to whatever had a tight grip on his life. Whatever made him snap. He was sad and I could only wish that I was enough.

               I leaned up to kiss him and we were kissing and his eyelashes brushed at my cheekbone and he grabbed my fingers and enveloped them with his, and I loved him so truly and dearly in that moment. Our lips were clinging to each other as we pulled away and there was a warmth in my chest.  He hugged me to him. We lazy kissed for another hour until finally I fell asleep, warm in my boyfriend's arms. I prayed that it would be like this forever, but I knew that it wouldn't. Of course it wouldn't. I figured I'd enjoy this while it lasted.

               Gone was the boyfriend who I knew in the beginning. Pressure was pushing down on his shoulders, his dad wanting him to do better in school, his little brother Nash looking up to him so much, his mom wanting him to be the perfect son, the perfect son to showcase to her friends. It was wearing him thin. His eyes didn't shine like they used to.

               And I was so helpless to it. His sadness. I knew nothing I said would help so I tried to carry some of it for him.

               I woke up to find him shaking.

               "Tom. Tommy. Baby." I hugged him from behind because he wouldn't look at me.

               "What if I don't get into the college my dad wants?" Tom asked me hoarsely. "What if I fuck up? God damnit shit shit shit I fucking hate this I hate myself I hate myself fuck fuck shit—" he cut himself off, burying his face into the side of my neck. I held onto him tight.

               "Baby," I said softly. "Hey. Hey. I love you. You could never fuck up. You couldn't." It was probably the wrong thing to say, but I had nothing else to say. I could only hold the boy I loved in my arms, hoping that it was enough.

               It wasn't enough.

               "I need something," he said. "I need something," he whispered. Alcohol.

               "No you don't," I stroked the nape of his neck, hugged him tighter to me, kissed the side of his neck. "No you don't. You have me."

               "I can't fuck this up, Lis. I can't fuck this up. I need to get into college."

               "I know," I whispered. Wrong words. I was stupid. Stupid girl couldn't save her boyfriend. It eats at me.

               His breath hitched and his voice shook as he said, "I don't think I can do this anymore."

               "Tom," I said. I couldn't help the edge in my voice. "Don't say that to me. Ever. Don't ever say that."