Esme's Diary

Chapter 30 - Closure

Time seems to stand still as I look at myself in the mirror, a small smile on my lips. My fingers softly fingering the soft white lace that covers my arms. 

I have time, I know I do, so I allow myself to remember, to remember how I got here.....

It's been a month since the incident and Charles'. I have spent most of my time alone, hunting, reading, thinking. I have finally left that part of my life where it belongs, in the past. In this time I have spent a lot of time thinking about Carlisle, thinking about us meeting the first time, about him coming into my life again, the feelings I get when I am around him. Carlisle is quite possibly the most amazing person I have ever met, his compassion knows no bounds. His understanding nature and determination never ceases to amaze me. Today I am going to talk to Carlisle. Before I go any further with my feelings I want to tell him what happened last month. 

I am waiting for Carlisle when he arrives home, Edward has gone hunting knowing that I want to talk to Carlisle, I look up as Carlisle walks through the door, smiling tentatively. 

"Hi" 

"Good Morning Esme" 

"Carlisle can I talk to you please?" 

He nods and takes a seat next to me. Nervously I twisted the fabric of my dress in my hands so that it resembles the knots in my stomach. I feel like a young child confessing to a parent I am that nervous. Carlisle reaches over and rests his hand on mine, sending shocks through my entire body. 

"Esme, it's ok" he murmurs, "whatever you have to say, it's ok" 

I inhale deeply and slowly let the air out of mouth. 

"Carlisle, I have to tell you something, it's err it's not my finest moment and I am truly ashamed of what I have done..."

"Esme" he interrupts, I hold up my hand to stop him, I have to say this, I have to finsih it because if he speaks now I know I will lose my nerve and not tell him. 

"Please, let me finish. Carlisle, some time ago I told you my story. And, well, I couldn't move on after everything that had happened. I felt like I was being held back by that life, it was like a ball and chain strapped to my leg and all I needed was the key. So I went back, I went back to see Charles, I needed closure." Carlisle didn't say anything, he simply nodded as if to understand. "It seems that shortly after my departure Charles remarried, he married someone he had been in love with since before we were married, I was angry, so angry with what he had done to me. I wanted to make him suffer, scare him a bit. What I didn't expect was for his new wife to come back and try and attack me. Carlisle I killed her, I didn't mean to, I thought I was in control of everything, she took us completely by surprise."

"Us?" Carlisle says.

Damn, I hadn't meant to slip up like that. I didn't want to involve Edward in this. 

"Was Edward with you Esme?"

"Yes he was but only because I asked him to. This had nothing to do with him and he knew that I needed the closure. Carlisle I didn't want to kill anyone I really didn't, my fight was not with her. What I did I will have to live with for the rest of my existence. I left Charles then, I knew I had to get out." Taking another deep inhale I explain to Carlisle why I am telling him this. "Carlisle, I am telling you this because I didn't feel I could truly give myself to this life without having closure on my human life. And also because I.... errr... I....." The words are stuck in my throat, I look down at his hand on mine. 

Carlisle lifts his hand off of mine and places it softly under my chin, ever so gently he lifts my chin up so that I am looking into his gorgeous eyes.

"Esme, I know, I feel it too, I aways have." 

I start to say something, although I don't actually know what I am going to say when Carlisle leans forward and softly places his lips on mine, the shock that is sent through me is the biggest one yet, I close my eyes and savour the feeling of his lips on mine. We seperate after what seems like an eternity.

"Esme, thank you for telling me, I'm sorry you had to go through that but I am glad you have the closure you needed to move on." 

I smile at him, unable to say anything, all I can think of is how my ilps are still tingling from his touch.

"Esme, is this what you want?" 

"Yes, Carlisle I didn't tell you before but when we first met all those years ago you stayed with me, I have always thought of you."

Carlisle smiles, "I have thought of you often as well Esme." 

This time we meet in the middle, his hand softly carressing the side of my face as he places his lips back on mine, back where they belong, where they have always belonged. It has taken me years of pain and heartache but I finally have the man I always dreamed of.

Esme x