All Rubber Duckies Go To Heaven

Epilogue

I’d never really thought about death. But sitting here, dressed all in black, I couldn’t help but remember the day that started this all. There was no casket today; only an urn. It had been raining, just like today, and, just like today, there was nothing I wouldn’t give to be anywhere else.

My fingers toyed with the lace hem of my black skirt nervously. I hadn’t gone a moment without feeling sick for days. Only a little over a week ago I had been sitting at someone’s bedside in a hospital. A week ago, on my eighteenth birthday, I legally changed my address since I hadn’t been living at home for a while. Cal had gone to get everything out of the apartment for me. He wouldn’t let me come, not even to sit in his truck. When he returned with a couple bruises and a split lip, I knew why.

School was…hard. But I couldn’t skip it. People knew about Jayden. Within minutes the entire incident had turned infamous. Everyone, including the teachers, looked upon me with pity. I showered in the thick filth of it every day, becoming the school’s collective charity case.

They were sorry about Jayden.

They were sorry they didn’t know.

They were sorry they never talked to me.

They were sorry they didn’t care.

That I had to go it alone

But I wasn’t, not in the end.

In the end there was Aerin.

They were sorry about him too.

A thick sob ripped at my throat and threw me forward

Did they even know why they were sorry? Why they looked at me with that all-knowing, oh-poor-pitiful-you look? Who had the right? Who even knew this pain?

Who even cared? I mean, really, truly cared? Sure, they said it, but that didn’t mean anything. Heck, why did I even care?

I thought back to the first time I had visited Jayden in Jail.

[I took a seat in the space closest to the door, my eyes wavering on the desk as I picked up the phone.

“It’s good to see you Jan.”

His voice was smooth and charming, hinting at being hopeful but so deep in pride it didn’t dare.

The orange jumpsuit made his brown eyes pop and I’m sure his hair would have been the same way but they had cut off his brown curls.

“Don’t start that Jayden. Why did you want me here?”

He smirked at my shaky voice. “I want to see your beautiful face baby.”

Chills sprinted up my spine, tensing up any muscles they skirted past. I moved to hang up the phone.

Jayden’s smile fell. “Jan wait!”

My hand wavered and I brought the phone back. “I’m tired Jayden. SO much, so very much has happened, and a lot of it is because of you. So if you have something you want to say, you better say it now because I already decided I was done listening to you. I’m only here because I’m attempting to be nice and because God put it on me that I should respond to your request,” I seethed. “He never commanded I do so graciously.”

Jayden sighed and moved to comb his fingers through his hair out of habit, the shade of his buzz rolling in waves of light to dark.