“Lily! I think I’m getting a heart attack!”
“Hmmm…” says my wife as she dozes back to sleep. Now, even at two in the morning she should be worried about me.. like how I always become whenever she gets up at midnight and starts nagging me with her problems. Well, tonight’s issue is a searing pain in the chest which I think is a heart attack.
“Lily! Wake up! I’m going to die and you soon will become a widow”
The words about me dying has some effect on Lily as she turns around to face me. But then she mutters something incomprehensible about some nightmares and goes back to sleep. The pain in my chest is increasing at a rapid pace. And I feel my end drawing near. I shake my wife up again and this time she is pissed at me or atleast looks so… perhaps she is much more worried about getting all those infernal black circles and all that crap that women since time immemorial have been worrying about rather than a nearly dying husband. Women! Now half-awake she gets up, gives me a good look, composes herself, and asks about the pain.
“Its near my right arm and near the middle of my chest.”
“And dear, I’m not joking. I think the time has come to pen down my will.”
“Stop fooling yourself John! Heart atttacks usually start and the left side of the chest or the left hand.”
“Hmmm but the pain is also slightly towards the left” said I, still unsure about the pain but definitely sure of my upcoming death. Then I remember a movie I had seen wherein the hero had his heart towards the right side.. I know it was a rare chance that I had my heart towards my right but still it was a possibility. I start panicking.
"Lily, if I do pass away, give Keegan my love."
She gives me a look and puts her hand to my forehead.
"John! Seriously? Keegan of all the living creatures?" An irritated Lily asks me.
Ah, I did forget to mention about Keegan. He is the neighbour's dog.
Then she starts massaging my chest. Seriously according to me, women have some special magical powers. Her hands calm me down and I start to regain my composure. Maybe its not a heart attack after all…
No sooner than I thought that, the pain started again. Damn! I cursed the Gods overhead. My wife was now absent mindedly sleepily rubbing my chest.. I shake her up again and this time she starts rubbing my chest a bit faster. Still the pain doesn’t go. She tries convincing me with more technical data about how my pain isn’t a heart attack. I don’t buy any of that stuff that she is trying to tell me. More than that, I’m surprised she can remember about these stuff in the wee hours of the day. I’m thinking of that and the pain in my chest.
“Why don’t you go out and take a walk or so in the garden. Perhaps that pain will lessen down.”
“Hmmm” Yes. I cursed my wife of twenty years a bit. She should care more about me. I think about making a empty threat about deserting her for better women, but I doubt she will buy it.
“Yeah.. and if you are doing that please also water the plants a bit and I think your car definitely needs a wash.”
I look at her seriously. She wants her sleep. And she wants to get some work done. After a few agonising painful moments I decide that her idea might be a good one and get out of the bedroom. After managing to walk a bit I begin to do some of the chores she told me to do. And to take off my mind of the pain I start to sing. You know folks, I’m such a good singer that I managed to wake up the household.
I return back to my wife. The pain is still there. She has a look of exasperation and tiredness. Suddenly I have a feeling that nature's calling me to the toilet. So off to the toilet I rush and relieve myself. After some time (though i claim it took two minutes, my wife still claims that I was in there for more than thirty minutes). I stumble onto the bed on which sits a very tired, very awake Lily.
“Gas trouble” I manage to say.
Lily starts laughing.