Her day had become so monotomous for the last 2 months that i've been following her. She'll go to the foundation to work and go home to her small apartment except for the days wherein she have to go to the cemetery. Every 15th and 30th she would go to the supermarket to buy her groceries.
She never hangs out.
She never goes out.
She never dated. As if I would really want to see her dating.
Sometimes I would see her at the supermarketl while doing her groceries looking at a family and I would see her brush her eyes with her hand and she would leave her unfinished and unpaid groceries and would immediately go home.
Yan ang mga panahon na gusto ko siyang habulin at gusto ko siyang yakapin. Just to stop her from crying. Just to make her feel alright.
She is alone.
And I cannot be there for her.
This day is not different from any other day. It's her day to go to the cemetery. She usually went there after office hours. She would buy flowers from a stand.
Today is unusually colder. I kept a safe distance habang naglalakad siya papuntang cemetery. She laid down the flowers. Tinitingan ko siya ng matagal from afar. From my car using my binoculars.
But its not enough.
When it comes to her everything is not enough.
This time I take the chance. I went out of my car and hid behind a tree.
I was busy looking at her for quite sometime when I saw her look up and looked directly at my direction.
I'm sure she had seen me. She slowly stood up and walked towards me.
Her voice. Namiss ko ang boses niya. It's been a long time since I heard her call my name. I missed the way she says my name. I missed the way she smiled everytime she says it. Her gentle smile that reaches her eyes.
I pulled myself up from my longing , turned back and walked briskly away from her.
I can feel her running amidst the rain na unti unti nang lumalakas. I ignored her. She must not see me. Nakarating ako sa kotse ko and from there I saw her.
She suddenly stopped from following me. Pero hindi pa din siya sumisilong kahit na ang lakas lakas na ang ulan. Nasisiraan na ba siya ng bait? Paano kung magkasakit siya?
Then bigla na lang siyang naupo sa lupa. Her hands covering her face. Nakikita kong yumuyugyog ang balikat niya.
Ilang beses ko ding sinuntok ang manibela ng kotse ko. Dapat umalis na ako. Dapat iniwan ko na siya.
I can't risk her life.
I can't risk being close to her.
Pero I can't bring myself to start my car and leave her at this state.
Hindi ko mapapatawad ang sarili ko pag may nangyaring masama sa kanya.
And the urge of being close to her, smelling her sweet scent, holding her and kissing her is just to much.
I have been holding it for 2 months now and hindi ko alam kung hanggang kelan ako magiging ganito.
Then I made a decision. I disregard all the consequence of this action.
Kinuha ko ang isang umbrella and went out my car towards her.
Ang lakas ng kaba ko habang papalapit ako sa kanya.
I can hear her sobbing. I saw her shoulders shaking. Hindi ko alam kung dahil ba sa lamig o dahil sa pag iyak niya.