April. I still had no plans on attending our alumni homecoming. I didn’t even have plans on going to my parent’s town, to the place where I spent high school. But circumstances forced me to go there. Few days before our alumni homecoming, my grandfather died. So our whole family went there to attend the interment.
He knew what happened even before I learned about it. He knew what kind of relationship I have with my father’s father. That is one of the low points of my life. Their house is just 45 minutes away from my grandfather’s house. My cousins told me that he knew about my coming. Needless to say, I expected him to be there.
Expectations differed really make the heart sick. But I still tried to understand. Maybe he’s still busy preparing for the homecoming, I first reasoned out. The next day, our family went to the town proper to visit my grandmother on mother’s side. That day was the day of our alumni homecoming. There was a parade of attendees. I saw him there.
Hours after the parade, together with a good friend of ours, they went to my grandma’s house. We didn’t have much time to talk since our friend talked most of the time. As the conversation went on, our common friend kept on condemning me for not attending our homecoming parade. Some of the words pointed to me were aching to hear. He’s there, he knew the reason behind my absence so I waited him to speak for me and somehow stand and protect me from the accusations. But I heard nothing. He solely sat there like a dumbbell. I was disappointed.
That night, I still hoped that he will come to the wake of my grandfather. At least for the last time before our family go back to where we live. But he didn’t come. That was a total heart stroke. I still tried to reason out that he’s attending the alumni homecoming party that same night so he can’t come. But the only reason I’ve devised paralyzed my heart even more. How insensitive is he to be able to attend a party while I’m mourning on my grandfather’s death? Did he ever consider how will I feel?
I never asked him not to attend the party. I never asked him to stay with me the whole time and cry with me over my grandfather’s death. That’s not what I want. I simply wanted to feel that’s he’s there for me, that my feelings matter to him, that he considers me, that I have someone out there who can stand for me, fight for me, give up something for me even just for once. At least even just for a minute show up and express his sympathy. I just wanted to feel that he’s there… that he’s the one.
I’m not mad at him. I’m not angry and I have no plans on making any commotions about it or what. I’m just disappointed… very disappointed. I’m upset that it is not what I’m expecting from him. I somehow expected a man who will back up his sweet words with actions. I expected a man who will not waste chances... Someone who has the bone to stand up for me…. Someone who means what he says…
After talking to my best friend about it, these are the comforting words that I’ve got… I don’t know if he’s words are really comforting, I just feel better after talking to him.
“maybe he’s just afraid… hhahahah’”
“What the heck? Afraid of what? I already told him he can court my parents! I don’t tell that just to anybody, I told him that because I’m already giving him the chance! I’m not asking for tons of things, I simply want to know if he is sincere… And then he’s afraid?”
“ammmm… sorry, most of us (guys) don’t know how to read signs… it’s just funny that most of us think that you (ladies) have very high standards while in reality all you want is just those… hummm… for now, leave it that way… he’s basing his actions only on you… he’s still not ready.”
Afraid? Hummm… maybe he is. Just like the old times. Same guy. Same story. Maybe he is not really ready (for the nth time?). Or maybe he is not really the one.