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Who Wants Free Love Anyway? A Play in One Act.

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Narrator: In the early years of the 21st century, repentant free-love hippies took over the California legislature and put an end to the unregulated sexual behavior of their grandchildren, who were now students at University of California campuses across the state. Concerned about the rape pandemic sweeping through the culture, these New Puritan lawmakers passed the Affirmative Behavioral Consent Act for the Safety of Students. Now, only a few years later, we embark on our own sexual discovery of two young lovers at the University of California, Santa Cruz

[Julia and Winston are cuddled up in front of Julia’s Apple MacBook Air watching Monty Python’s “The Meaning of Life.” The smell of popcorn fills the college dormitory room as Professor Humphrey (John Cleese) instructs English schoolboys about sex.]

Prof. Humphrey: The purpose of foreplay is to cause the vagina to lubricate, so that the penis can penetrate more easily.

[Julia’s head is in Winston’s lap. She sucks popcorn salt from her fingers.]

Julia: Mmmm. That’s good.

Winston: Yeah, baby, yeah. [Laughs nervously.]

Julia: Do you want some?

Winston: [Pauses and licks his lips.]

Humphrey: And, of course, to cause the man's penis to erect and har... DEN! Now, did I do vaginal juices last week?

[Winston moves Julia’s head from his lap and puts the popcorn bowl onto the floor. Julia pinches his ass.]

Winston: Ow!

Julia: [Smiles suggestively.] Well?

Winston: Sure, babe. Just let me get …

[Winston reaches for the nightstand.]

Winston: … my cell phone.

Julia: Put it on speaker.

[Winston dials. We hear the ring on the other end.]

Sex Dispatcher: UC Santa Cruz Sex Dispatcher. What’s your pleasure? We monitor the activities of all 56 genders, including masturbation, couples, and group sex up to 10 participants. For more than 10, we require 30-days’ notice and a $1,000 non-refundable security deposit.

Humphrey: Nibbling the earlobe, uhh, kneading the buttocks, and so on and so forth.

Sex Dispatcher: Okay, got it. Anything else?

Winston: No, that was just the movie.

Sex Dispatcher: You need a movie? Hold on.

[Call-center chatter in the background, combined with sounds of a police dispatcher.]

Sex Dispatcher: Okay. We can do that.

Julia: We don’t need a movie. We’re watching one already.

Sex Dispatcher: [Sounds alarmed.] Have you touched each other yet?

Humphrey: Helen! Now, penetration and coitus --

Sex Dispatcher: Who’s that?

[More call center chatter in the background about potential violators, etc.]

Sex Dispatcher: Pursuant to Section 67386 to the Education Code, I must inform you…

Winston: Yes, we know. That’s why we’re calling.

Sex Dispatcher: … that there’s an extra fee for third parties.

Winston: No, thanks. It’s just the two of us. Can you send someone over?

Sex Dispatcher: You’re in College Ten?

Julia: Yes. Room 335.

Sex Dispatcher: I’ll have the observer there in 10 minutes.

Humphrey: Uh, the penis is now, as you will observe, more or less, fully erect.

Sex Dispatcher: Any type of sexual contact before official approval can result in fines or expulsion from…

Winston: Thank you, officer!

Humphrey: The man now starts making thrusting movements with his pelvic area –

[Winston hangs up the phone. Both begin to laugh. Julia, on the bottom, pulls Winston’s face toward hers and they kiss. Heavy breathing from Winston and Julia drowns out the movie. Julia reaches blindly to shut the lid of the laptop. They continue to make out until there’s a knock at the door.]

Sex Observer: [Muffled voice through the door.] This is a Section 67386 call. Sex Observer O’Brien reporting.

[Winston gets up to answer the door. Repositions his erection inside his pants.]

Winston: Thank you for coming.

O’Brien: Thank you for waiting to come. [Laughs lewdly. Winston and Julia, grossed out, exchange worried glances.]

O’Brien: I’ll set up over here. [Drops his black shoulder bag on the floor. Pulls out cameras, microphones, tablet computer, etc.]

Julia: [Whispering] Maybe we shouldn’t have called.

Winston: [Whispering] What if we’d been caught?

O’Brien: Which movie do you want? We have “Debbie Does DC” or “Binder Full of Women.”

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