loss

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Eversince that day I learned to keep myself to myself, not really a big change in my life since practically I had never let anyone in my life. Sure I had friends but not real close friends who you could share your whole world with you. 

I'm that type of girl who acts like every thing is alright, with a straight face that pretty much shows no emotion. I'm actually a friendly person, most people know me, and for some reason I don't know. Let's just say I used to be that new kid (being the new kid was easy, why? I don't know but the fact you get to start fresh without a care in the world with what you were doesn'nt matter and everyone treating you like your this rare species is kinda what makes me smile, i don't mean rare species weird, as in rare good) who tried anything but was still that dumb kid who was dumber than dumb who then turned into that nerdier than nerd kid who became average than average and still is average.

There's a whole story behind that which I'll blab later on...

I already lost (must not be named or mentioned under any circustances) and I blame myself for being so unobservant, for not caring, even though I never knew, I'ts my fault, I know it and I remember it 4 years ago on that raining day.

I was only 11 that time and I cried my eyes out every night. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't do anything withought letting a tear drop in my eye. I really missed him, I really did, If only life wasn't so cruel I'd still have my father.

My mother, only hatred and resentment is what I feel for her, she knew all those time and still made that choice to keep it to herself. Nothing can describe how devastated I was, to lose that love of your life, to lose that person so close to you, to lose that person who read you those bedtime stories, to lose that person who'd held you in his arms, to lose that person who was there for you when you scraped your knee, no nothing can describe that feeling, when the rain came crashing down like a weight on your shoulders you lose the person who was there for you, your father....

My life actually went into a blur for those past four years and how I survived from all those emotional moments is pretty impressive, how I practically haven't killed myself yet. I know I'm overthinking things but for those past years, I learned to forgive and move on. I learned to mend those broken relationships, with my mom of course, to learn to stop cursing life, to learn to stop blaming myself, but I will never let go of those memories with my father but learn to accept that everything happens for a reason and I know my father would'nt want me to stay hidden and cry my eyes out. Sure, I stopped doing those things and try to strive and plaster a smile on my face but what was then will always be a part of me now.......

~*~

I gave it a second go, I'm not really a good writer since I never actually written stories except those stories teacher make you write but I wanna try and actually see where my creativity and imagination takes me and where with what I started actually take me. Ideas are open.

tnx for taking time to read all that crap

-xliane

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