My diary: an interactive project. Sort of.

6/21/12

So, if I am correct, this is chapter 100! Is it bad that I'm incredibly proud of myself for making it this far with this? I never thought I had the dedication to keep this going. And I will admit that there have been times when I thought it was pointless and when I didn't want to do it anymore, but it has been so great. I hope you guys have enjoyed it as well, at least a little. I couldn't have done it without all of you.

Part of me thinks that it would be a good idea to start a sequel and start over with an introduction that includes all of the characters and everything. That way it would be easier for new readers. One hundred chapters is intimidating. I don't know. I'm reluctant to start over. Thoughts?

Anyway, now that I'm done gushing, I have to tell you about something important that is happening tomorrow. So, those of you who have been around for a while may remember the infamous doctor's appointment of last summer. For those of you who started reading late or don't remember, here's a recap:

Last summer about this time, I went in for an annual doctor's appointment, mainly for a check up. While we were there, a talked to the doctor about my depression. It was the first time I really talked to anyone other than my mom about it. She suggested I see a therapist. However, on the way home, my mom told me that she basically didn't think it would help much, and that I would be better off waiting until I was an adult to get treated. This, along with her reluctance to let me go to a therapist in the firs place, prompted my first experience with self-harm. It just got worse in the following weeks as I realized that I was going to get to go to the therapist, and all my hopes of getting better were crushed. I have never been so hopeless in my life. It probably didn't help that we were stuck at home 4 days a week while our mom worked.

Now, just to be clear, I'm not blaming our mom for any of this. It was just as much my fault as hers, if not more. I didn't tell her how I felt, and she just assumed I was better.

In the past few months, I have been feeling a lot better, but that's not to say it's permanent.( I actually don't feel great right now. I've broken out the old "sad songs" playlist. but more on that later.) Also, since the last visit to the doctor, a lot has changed. Like, we got a new doctor. It's about time, considering we are 16 and we used to see a pediatrician. but it worries me that I might just chicken out and not tell the doctor anything because I don't know her yet.

Another big change is that I've added social anxiety to my self-diagnosis.

Can I tell you guys a secret? When I get in the worst mood, or when I'm really anxious about something, I do research. It started a year or two again. When I found out that our mom took depression medication, I started doing research on it whenever I got upset. This prompted my first self-diagnosis of depression. Then, one day when I was doing this research, I came across a link to a website about social anxiety. Needless to say, it changed my life. I cried my eyes out when I read the symptoms, and I felt like there was no way I didn't have it. I even read on one of the less formal websites, after further research, that the author thought a good indication of  social anxiety is feeling like your heart has been run over by a truck when you read the symptoms and realize you're not alone. That made me cry even more. Then I started searching for the criteria for diagnosis, and I eventually stumbled across the official test that is used by professionals to diagnose the illness on one of the government-funded websites. Apparently, my score indicates severe social phobia. I wasn't shocked.

So now I have another topic to add to my long list of discussion topics. She's going to think I'm crazy. I mean, I am, but still.

So here's my list of complaints for the doctor, just in case you wanted to know. Some of this is kind of personal, but I feel like it's important to me, so I need to record it. Plus, it might help me remember it tomorrow.