before :: muke au

the end.

songs:

amnesia - 5sos

-

5/10/14

My hands trembled furiously as I walked up the porch slowly. I wasn't sure what Liz would say or if she would even notice of anything was wrong, but I didn't care at the point. This needed to happen.

I took a deep breath before knocking on the door a few times and shoved my hands in my pockets. After a few moments, a heard some shuffling and a few locks before I was met with a familiar face.

"Liz." I grinned widely, bringing her into my arms. She laughed heartily and hugged me back tightly, patting my back lightly. I pulled away slowly and looked down at her.

"Oh, Mikey! What a lovely surprise. Please, come in!" She chirped, opening the door wider as she welcomed me in.

"Actually, I have to be somewhere," I scratched the back of my neck. "Have you, uh, talked to Luke recently?" I asked awkwardly, the lump in my throat threatening to force it's way in. Liz smiled softly and leaned her body against the door frame.

"A little. The little bum stays in his room 24/7 now." She laughed, blowing a piece of hair out of her face. My eyebrows instantly shot up and I tilted my head to the side.

"Luke's here?" I questioned, shifting my weight. That's not possible. Luke is in America.

"Up in his room. Probably sulking," She sighed and leaned in slightly. "Probably still upset over that Jade girl. It's a shame I never met her properly." She shrugged.

"Can I, uh, see him?" I asked, my face becoming red. This couldn't be right. Unless Luke lied to me to get me away from him. I clinched my fists by my side to the point where they hurt and I wanted to punch something.

She nodded softly and opened up the door wide enough for me to walk into the house. Cool air hit my face as soon as I entered, sending a slight chill up my back. It smelled like the flowers that Luke and I used to held Liz grow when we were in primary school. Even though the memory was old and worn, it still gave me a slight warm feeling in my stomach.

"He's in his room. Go on, now." She smiled before disappearing into the kitchen, leaving me standing in the middle of the living room. I walked up the stairs slowly, letting my hand glide along the wooden rail. I made it to the top of the stairs and recognized the familiar door which was Luke's and inched towards it slowly. I peeked in a little to see Luke at his desk, scribbling something on a piece of paper.

He shoulders were slunched over and his hair was all over the place. So this is where he has been hiding. He never left to go to America.

"Did you plan on hiding here the rest of your life?" I asked coldly, leaning all my weight on the door frame. He shot around instantly, almost falling over. His eyes were droopy and sad, just like mine had been over those past few weeks.

He shot up from his chair and inched towards me. "Michael.. I can explain everything." He said raspily, putting his hand out towards me. I shook my head and inched away from him. He immediately stopped in his tracks with wide eyes. I turned my back away from him and ran my hands through my hair harshly.

"I remember the day you told me you were leaving." My voice was hushed and small. I shook my head and decided to let the tears go ahead and flow. I felt a pair of large hands turn me around and I was faced with a pair of blue eyes.

"I-I think you should leave, Michael." He said gently, not a trace of emotion on his face. I furrowed my eyebrows together and slapped his hand off my shoulder. My face was red from trying not to scream and my knuckles were white from clenching my fists.

"It's like we never happened, was it just a lie?" I screeched, stepping towards him. He flinched slightly and back away a little, bumping into his desk. He shook his head and lowered hisself to my height.

"It wasn't a lie, Michael! What I felt was real. What we had was real. We just can't do this to ourselves. Please, just leave!" He spoke harshly, furrowing his eyebrows together in frustration. The tears were still streaming down my cheeks when I suddenly felt everything go numb.

I nodded slightly, looking down at my feet. I stepped away from him slowly. It took everything thing in me not break down right there as I turned around and started my way towards the door. I closed my eyes and froze just as I was at the door frame. I could feel his eyes on me as I turned around slowly to face him. I locked eyes with his briefly before her averted his gaze to the floor.

I dug in my pocket before getting out a piece of folded paper and throwing it on the ground right in front of him.

"If what we had was real, how could you be fine?" I spoke in a whisper before turning on my heel and storming out of the house. I ignored Liz's and Luke's yells as I ran down the street. The rain that had started mixed in with my tears, and the gloomy clouds matched my mood.

.

.

.

I ran and ran and ran till I reached it. The bridge.

It looked the same as it did whenever my Mum and my Dad took me and my friends fishing when I was younger. I pictures the blonde haired boy giggling as he held the fishing rod out over the side of the bridge. The Dad grinned widely whenever he saw the little boy try to reel in the line, but somehow got tangled in it.

I blinked and the family went away.

I walked closer to the bridge. I peered over the edge at the dark water that swayed violently in the storm. The wind was starting to pick up and lighting begun to get closer the river. I started to sob violently.

My pain was amplified my love. Whether I would like to admit it or not. My love for Luke had done nothing but tear me apart. I fell in love with someone who made me self destructive.

You're okay, Michael. A voice in my head said.

No. I am not okay. I'm fucking exhausted. Life is exhausting. Love someone so much that it hurts is exhausting.

The rain struck down harder on me as if it was pressuring me to go ahead and jump. I looked around to see if any cars were coming before supporting myself on wooden ledge of the bridge. I took a deep breath. My notebook was cluched to my chest tightly as if it might run away.

I smiled bitterly to myself as I looked down at the water. How sweet it must feel to all the pain at once, then, never again.

I inched closer off the ledge, letting my toes hangover a little.

I've learned that there is no letting people save you. Humans are insensitive and selfish, and only worried about self preservation. If you want to be saved, then you have to save yourself. And if you don't want to save yourself, you wait. You wait for yourself to self destruct right in front of your friends and family.

And I didn't want to save myself.

I opened my arms out by my side, the journal still in hand, and closed my eyes.

"My story isn't over. It's just forever unfinished." I whispered to myself. I inched closer. I gathered all the courage I could manage and let myself step off of it.

And I let myself fall and fall and fall and fall and