I woke up in the arms of a sleeping Sam. His arms were wrapped around my waist and I was pressed against his warm chest. My face immediately broke out into a grin and I uncurled my arms and wrapped them around his stomach, hugging him close. He was only gone for one day this time.
“Sammy,” I mumbled against his shirt.
He stirred and yawned, his bright blue eyes fluttering open and glancing down at me. His face broke out into a soft smile and he returned my embrace. I’ve always wondered if Sam and I could be a couple. I guess we kind of are but…I don’t know. He deserves someone better than me. Someone without so much baggage. I sighed and pushed those thoughts away. I lifted my head and met his gaze.
“You were only gone for one day this time,” I commented, brushing some of his blond hair out of his blue eyes. I watched as his eyes tightened around the edge and I knew this was a touchy subject for him. He’s never told me where he disappears to and I’ve never asked in fear that he might leave for good. Instead of freezing me out like I had expected him to do, he removed his arms from my waist and ran his fingers through my tangled hair.
He produced a small smile and pulled my face closer to his. “Well aren’t you lucky,” he whispered, his breath caressing my face. I smiled and raised my eyebrows.
“Very,” I giggled and rolled my eyes.
He sighed and watched me with his bright blue eyes. As I gazed at him his signature torn look washed over his beautiful face. My smile fell and I placed my hand on his face, tracing his features with my fingers. My thumb brushed over his eyebrows and I sighed through my nose causing him to stiffen and the torn look to deepen. You see, Sam has this look. I call it his torn look because it looks like he’s torn between two things. Almost as if he was fighting with himself. The question is what though. What is Sam fighting with that causes him to push every one away?
“What are you fighting with Sam,” I asked quietly, running my hands through his hair.
At my question he sighed and let his eyes flutter closed, closing me off once again. I sighed and shook my head, watching his tense face. Stress lines appeared on his smooth forehead and I moved my thumb across the skin, minimizing them. I didn’t want him to be stressed but I wanted to know. I wanted him to open up to me.
Sam and I may be best friends but I can tell he’s hiding something. It something so big that it causes him to hinder any relationships he builds over the years. He pushes people away, whether he knows it or not. It’s as if he’s afraid, in fact I know he’s afraid. I can see it in his eyes when he’s forced to step out of his box. Even I haven’t managed to break away the barriers he keeps up. It bothers me. I want to know what is keeping Sam from loving. I want to know the secret that binds him.
It all may sound like a bad hallmark movie, but it’s what I see it’s what I want to know. What is he hiding from the world? I scooted closer to him, the movement causing him to tense. I ignored it and blurted the question that has been on the tip of my tongue for years now.
“Why do you push everyone away Sam? What are you hiding?”
He winced but otherwise said nothing, his beautiful blue eyes still closed tightly. I ran my thumbs gently over those eyes, begging him to open them. He doesn’t, so going against the tiny voice telling me to drop the matter, I press on.
“Please don’t push me away. You push everyone away Sam, everyone you love you push away. Even your own parents you push away. John and Lilly love you Sam, I can see it, but you won’t let them get close. Why is that? Why do you push me away? I want to know, I want to help you. Why-,”
He cut me off by flipping on top of me and straddling me. “Because I hurt people Mercy,” he screamed starling me into silence. I stared at him wide eyed, my mouth clamped shut. His voice broke and he looked away from me. “Any one I have ever loved... I’ve hurt,” he began quieter this time. His blue eyes were dark and staring at the place next to my head as if reliving a memory. “You don’t know what I’ve done…who I’ve hurt. Mercy…I’ve hurt you and you don’t even know it,” he whispered.
My hand reached out and I moved his head so he was force to look at me. His blue eyes were glistening and I knew I pushed it too far. I felt a ping of guilt but I pushed it away. I want to know. I sighed and brushed the hair out of his eyes. “How have you hurt me Sam,” I asked, watching guilt and sadness fill his eyes.