Backfire (Niall Horan)

Chapter 22 ~ Just friends

Chapter 22 ― Just friends

I sat on the bed my legs crossed in a yoga position. Zayn, still a tad sleepy, sat across me with his eyes fixed on me. I smiled shyly not knowing how to start but sure that I had to say something and break the ice. He ruffled his hands through his hair a bit, messing with it and I knew he was waiting for me to speak.

“So…” I started clumsily. “I noticed you seem a bit down lately and I thought maybe you would like to talk about it, you know?” I wanted to hit myself because obviously I didn’t come to his room to say that. I sighed as he arched an eyebrow.

“I believe you know what is really happening, Alex. You don’t have to pretend,” he replied; I sighed again and looked down ashamed of my cowardice. I knew it was going to be an awkward conversation, but I couldn’t postpone it any longer.

“I know,” I accepted. “It’s just that I can’t find the words and… I don’t want to make you uncomfortable and… this is very awkward and…” I trailed off not meeting his eyes.

“I already told you I fancy you, it’s not a secret, Alex, and I know you don’t feel the same way. Now you’re with Niall,” he said in a plain tone and I looked up at him incapable of not feeling sorry for him. His situation reminded me of Phebs who also wanted to be with someone who had feelings for another person. It wasn’t fair, for any of them, and I wanted so bad for them to find the right person.

“I’m sorry, Zayn,” I whispered and he shook his head.

“Don’t be, you don’t have any reason to be sorry about. It’s not your fault, Alex. I know it’s awkward and it’s gonna be for a while–”

“But we can’t help it, right?” I finished for him and he smiled weakly. “You’re my friend and I don’t wanna lose that. That’s why I’m here, because I want you to know that I love you, like a friend, like a best friend. I’m sorry if that’s not enough, but it’s all I can offer.”

“And I’ll be fine with that, Alex. You’re my friend too and I don’t wanna lose you either.” He extended his hand and grabbed mine, with his thumb he stroked the back of my hand. “I just wanna know why. Why Niall and not me? I truly believe that we had a connection at the beginning, that we had more in common.”

And I also believed that we had more in common. We did, in fact, but this was bigger than having things in common, was something that I couldn’t explain.

“It’s different. What I feel with Niall is different, the way he makes me feel is different. I didn’t want to feel like this but I couldn’t help it. Niall has something that I can’t describe. I’d love to tell you exactly what it is, but I can’t,” I expressed with a little smile as I thought of the Irish boy.

“I understand,” he whispered in a low voice. I looked for his eyes and when our glances met I knew he was sad and that he wanted things to be different, but he accepted and respected my choice. “Tell me one last thing. Did I have a chance?”

I felt my heart aching because I wanted to say yes, I wanted to give him at least that, but I never saw Zayn with other eyes but as a friend. I shook my head slightly and he looked away for a few seconds before staring at me again. “Thanks. For being honest, I mean.” I nodded because I couldn’t talk, I had a lump in my throat.

“I can promise you something, though,” I blurted out and he looked at me raising an eyebrow in questioning. “I can promise you that there won’t do any PDA in front of you. We won’t make things more difficult than they already are.”

He smiled gratefully and so did I. I couldn’t tell him that everything was going to be the same between us, not yet at least; I couldn’t tell him that I was going to be with him either, because I wanted Niall; but I could promise him that I was going to be more considerate. It was the least I could do.