My Tumblr Boy (On Hold)

Discovery (1)

Picture of Nova to the side^-^ >>>

You know that feeling after being dumped? Disbelief is what I think it’s called, where it doesn’t feel as if it actually happened?

You would think that after a month of that day in which I was dumped and swapped with a smarter, better looking girl that I would get over it, right? Well I can’t. Every day when I wake up, my hand goes straight for my phone, to check for the text that he would leave for me to wake up too.

My self-esteem has dropped to an all new low and do you know what the sad thing is? I can’t help but cry whenever I’m reminded of something that we did together.  Though I still somehow manage to put on a brave face and a fake smile for my closest friends, they were the ones trying to help me get over this.

But to be honest, now that I look back at it, Nathan James wasn’t anything special. Okay, it was but compared to relationships you read about, it wasn’t overly amazing or “lovey- dovey”. He was older, had abs and in my own opinion, really cute. He was my first boyfriend, the only guy who had ever even shown the slightest bit of interest in me.

I mean like imagine this, an 18 year old band guy, showing interest in you, a 16 year old, puffy haired weirdo and for him to actually admit to wanting to be with me… It was like being struck by lightning, a one in 600,000 chance.  Especially since other boys never let me even get 'close' enough to really connect with them. Not like I wish I could.

When it comes to me, they’d rather not be seen with me. Like sure I have a couple of guy friends, Emery and Ryan are two of the best guys in the world…but other guys? They would rather go for the girls who wear shorts that give them wedgies and tops that shouldn’t even be classed as a top since it’s basically a bra whereas with me? Skinny jeans and band t-shirts are basically the main thing in my wardrobe, maybe the odd dress for a family occasion but that is my main style.

Then there’s the fact that when it comes to people that aren’t my friends, I become as socially awkward as a duck and then I end up bursting out with random facts that are totally irrelevant to the situation.

And that made life...well just difficult.

Empty.

When you don't even have a chance at finding somebody to love who will love you back...I mean, just how much 'purpose' can your average school day have, you know? That's why Nate was such a pleasant surprise.

Sure he wanted us to stay a secret, something about how people would laugh about the age difference but it was those times when we would just stay in for a whole day and just cuddle and watch movies, they were just like perfection. But then giving him so much as a wave in the hallway at school would practically cause him to throw a fit, and he wouldn't call me for days.

I didn't want to have sex in his car, and I didn't wanna just 'find someplace to do it'. I wanted him to...kinda...you know! Put some real heart into us being together. I wanted to hear him say he loved me once in a while. Or maybe smile at me from the other end of the soccer field. Or just talk to me without looking for a private place for us to try and....'fuck'.

A week or two passed. Nate stopped calling. He didn't even have the guts to tell me that I had been kicked to the curb; I had to figure it out for myself. And even then I didn't want to believe it. But what could I do? I couldn't speak to him in public, I couldn't talk to him at school, I couldn't even call his house because he didn't want his mom and dad hearing he had a ‘younger’ girlfriend. So he just cut me off completely. And the only thing I could do to get through to him...would be to just 'give' him my body and let him do what he wanted to do with it. And I just wasn't ready to do that. I mean like once you lose that, there’s no getting it back, right?