It was about to storm. I could see the lightning in the distance, and feel that cool blast of wind you feel when a storm is just rolling in. It felt so good on
my skin it was like the wind itself had taken on a mind of its own. It knew me somehow. It knew that special place on my neck that gives me goose bumps,
and I liked that.
The heat of mid summer South Texas is unbearable. Well, at least it is for me. I had took to hanging out in a graveyard by the railroad tracks. I
only did it at night, and only when it was about to storm. The storms don't come as often when summer hits so I knew I didn't have much time.
I was shirtless so the .357 magnum revolver tucked in to my jeans shined like a flashlight in the bursts of lightning that were getting far to close, and far to
frequent for me to be out here. You have probably guessed that I didn't much care. When the lightning flashed I could just see the guns grip hanging slightly
to my right side. I could see my shadow on the ground mimic me in those brief seconds of daylight. It reminded me of a gunfight at high noon. Maybe Clint
Eastwood, or John Wayne if thats your thing.
I pulled the gun out, and flipped open the chamber. I pulled the only bullet I owned out of my pocket, and held it up. The lightning was almost
so frequent now that I hardly had to wait to see the words "my way" scratched into the bullets jacket. I had found the gun years ago, along with five
bullets laying on the floor of an old abandoned mill deep in the woods by my house. I didn't pay any attention to the rotting corpse it was laying by. I did
notice a single hole in the half decomposed head of the body. The way I figured it was none of my business. His time had come, and gone.
The bullets all had "my way" scratched into the side. I was almost positive that the bullet that was missing also had it scratched on the side. I briefly
wondered why the casing was gone. The dead man certainly didn't take it out, but the thought soon passed. I loaded the gun, cocked the hammer back,
put it to my head and pulled the trigger.
"click"
I opened the chamber up, and seen that I had hit a bullet. It wasn't sitting on the empty chamber. I pulled it out, and looked curiously at the small
indention the firing pin had made at the center of the round. I took the bullet out, and let it slide out of my hand onto the floor. Funny thing is, I didn't
want to kill myself. I wasn't depressed, I had nothing to complain about. I'm pretty sure I did it cause I was bored. Of course the actual thoughts are lost
to me now, maybe they are still in my head somewhere. Some place that dark things crawl, and only come to the surface once in a while.
Ive tried to shoot myself in the head three more times since then. It always ends with the same resounding "click." I tried it once at church, another in the
dressing room of a wal-mart on a holiday cause I knew a lot of people would be there. The last time I tried it was in a movie theater. I never got nothing but
"click." It never really disappointed me. I think it just made me want to try it again if you want the truth.
Now here I am in a graveyard. I wish I could tell you why, but I can't. There are some things in life that I don't think are meant to be understood.
I loaded up my last bullet, and put it in the proper place of the chamber. I made it where when I pulled the hammer back it would fall into its proper
place where it was meant to do its job. Then I walked up to the railroad tracks to wait on the train to come.
I didn't have to wait long. Maybe five minutes. I wondered what it would be like on the other side after I was gone. Would it just be blackness like so
many people are claiming? Will it be pearly white gates like they taught me all those years in church? Would I find myself somewhere totally unexpected
with other people, wondering, just like them why the hell i'm here. I don't know the answers. I do know how to find out.
It wasn't long until the engineer on the train noticed me on the tracks, and started blowing the horn. It must have been a sight to see. A shirtless man on
the railroad tracks holding a gun to his head while a train sped toward him at seventy miles per hour. I don't know if it was because I was about to pull
the trigger, and my imagination was running wild, or maybe what I seen was just another thing I can't explain. I could have sworn that the front of that train
smiled at me. It was like it knew what was about to happen, and was taking pleasure in the fact that parts of me would be scattered all over the front of
it. I wondered if I had a chance I might try and ask it why it smiled.
I waited until it was one hundred yards or so in front of me, and the emergency brake had already been pulled. I took one last breath of that sweet cool air,
and pulled the trigger.
"Click"
With a little bit of a grin on my face, I looked at the gun incredulously, and threw it down on the tracks. I only had to wait about 5 more seconds before the
train hit me anyway. Finally, I could be done with this life, whatever it was. Just then a lighting bolt hit a tree not far from where I stood. It flung me at least
fifteen feat into a gravestone. I hit it so hard that it broke, but nothing broke on me. It was almost like someone, or something was telling me "this is your
last chance."
I watched the train go by, and picked myself up off the ground. I walked home slowly that night, in the rain, the wind pushing me onward. I knew that I would
never try anything like that again, but I also wondered why I was spared.
That was fifteen years ago. I'm 35 now going on 36. I wish I had time to tell you the things that have happened in my life that would justify saving me. But
all of the reasons pale in comparison to the lessons Ive learned. Life may not be easy. It may not be exciting, but its ours. Each, and every one of us is unique
in the fact that our experiences, and trials are our own. The things I would have missed out on, make my stomach hurt, and bile rise in my throat.
Maybe it was all just luck, or maybe, just maybe it was something else. All I know is this. I'm at my twins birthday party, and the barbecue smells delicious.
I think the cowboys game is playing on TV, and my wife just told me its time to eat. Oh, and wouldn't you know it, a storms rolling in.
Authors Note:
Sometimes things just pop in my head I have to get out. I know this is very short, but I didn't want it long. I think that all of us have our issues, I think all of us choose our battles. Choose wisely my friends. Choose wisely.
Brian
