My shirt is soaking wet, “Kade, you cried buckets, look at me, I look like I’ve been in the shower fully clothed – you sure needed that cry,” I say, in an effort to lighten the tone.
He looks embarrassed, “I guess I needed a hug,” he looks at me with tear-swollen eyes and a sheepish smile, “thanks, Tan.”
......
Kade makes the best hot chocolate, ever. Every sip of the smooth, velvety warmth is a comfort.
The three of us are in the chill-out area discussing the day: suggesting ideas, tactics and the logistics of how we wage war and free ourselves (and others) from the controlling grip of The Surgeon and her people. Kelly’s communicating by typing into a computer, which translates her words into a robotic voice, it sounds weird, but it works.
......
I’m concerned that Kade is still being very quiet, “What is it Kade?” I ask. “Nothing, I’m good, fully on board with you guys and ready for action,” he says. I nod my head, “You can’t hide from me Kade, there’s something on your mind,” I say. He gives me a small smile, “Truth is, I’m real embarrassed about crying, breaking down like that. I don’t want you to lose confidence in me,” he says. I reassure him, “You know, sometimes we have to breakdown to get back up. You needed to get those tears out, they were like toxins, poisoning your confidence, it’s good that you got them all out,” I say. Kade gives me his widest, brightest smile, “You’re so wise, for such a young...” he stops abruptly and I jump in, “For such a young, what?” I ask. He sits upright, “Nothing, you’re just very wise for someone so young, that’s all,” he says, rising and walking towards Kelly at the computer.
I know he was going to say, ‘for such a young girl.’
……
In my room, I stare at my reflection in the full-length mirror.
What do I see?
I still see a slender and petite young girls figure.
I move in closer and study my face: large, pale blue eyes are framed by sweeping black lashes. The nose is small and straight with a slight, ski-slope slant upwards at the tip. Full lips complete a set of features that sit in a symmetrical, heart shaped face; a face that has been entirely sculpted by The Surgeon’s knife.
I step back and look at the overall picture. It can’t be denied; I look like a young and pretty girl. This person I see in the mirror – it’s not the real me!
I hate my face – and my body.
I pull myself from my image and sit on the bed.
We have a problem beyond The Surgeon: I think Kade likes me. But he likes me the way a guy like s a girl; my head’s finding this hard to handle. But I can’t let this get in the way of the job we have to do – defeating The Surgeon.
……
Hey guys and gals, you know, I just re-read the above and realized how arrogant I sound. Jeez, maybe I’m misreading the situation and Kade just likes me in a kind of sister/brother way.
Perhaps I’m just being paranoid, because the idea of a guy hitting on me bothers me so much.
But there’s something else that’s freaking me out big time – it’s my own feelings. I keep getting these weird, warm, emotional feelings about…
…NO! I’m not going there.
I’m pulling the shutters down on my emotions.
I have to.
Victory against The Surgeon is the only thing that can have my headspace.
……
