The Chord to my Heart

20: I'll Be There

(This is Mase's POV of the previous chapter! Please keep in mind while reading.)

                                                           Chapter 20: I’ll Be There

                                                               [Mase’s POV]

           “Put on Spongebob!” Gabe exclaimed, bouncing on the couch next to me. 

           I sighed, looking over at him. “You’ve already seen that episode, Gabe. Let’s just see what else is on,” I said, reasoning with him while flipping through the channels. We were watching TV in the den downstairs, waiting for dinner.   

           “No, I never seen it before,” Gabe said, shaking his head. He furrowed his eyebrows, his lips turning down at the edges. I’d seen that face so many times before. Not just from Gabe though, from Madelyn too. She managed to get anything she wanted with that one look. 

           A familiar feeling clenched at my stomach, twisting my insides with guilt. The sound of her laughter rushed past my ears, images of her crooked smile and braided hair permanently tattooed behind my eyelids. And before I could stop it from happening, the sight of her lying on that pavement, broken and bleeding, flashed through my mind. No matter how hard I tried to push it away, the guilt wrapped its fingers around my throat and gave it a squeeze. 

            I felt a tugging at my arm then, and looked over to see Gabe still wearing a frown. I released the breath I’d been holding. “Okay, let’s watch Spongebob,” I said. His face lit up as he scooted closer to my side, his eyes already glued to the screen. I’d grown used to having Gabe around. It made me think of Madelyn a lot more. The things he did were so similar to her. But he was always so happy. So full of life. That’s how I wanted to remember Madelyn as well. 

           I leaned back into my seat and put my feet up against the coffee table in front of me, swinging an arm over the back of the couch. I tried to focus on the sound of Gabe laughing beside me, instead of the lingering thoughts of Madelyn’s last day. 

           I hated my parents for what they’d done. For letting me go when I needed them the most. I wanted to hear them say the words that so many others had already told me. I needed them to tell me that it was okay. That it wasn’t my fault Madelyn died that day. I never wanted them to push me away and let me die with her. But I hated myself more for letting it happen. How did I think, for even a second, that the music was more important than my little sister’s life? 

           I heard the crack of Madelyn’s skull against the pavement again, and my mother’s cry’s, and the ambulance screaming while hurtling towards us. I clenched my fists, struggling to keep my breaths even. My stomach churned and I bit down on my bottom lip to keep from being physically sick. It’d almost been a year and these moments still came without warning, delivering punches in my gut and against my chest. These moments were strong enough to tear away the very will to live from my flesh and leave bleeding gashes. 

           But then a memory unfolded itself from the corner of my mind where I’d securely stored it. A pair of bright eyes were directly in line with my gaze. Her dark hair falling on either side of her face as she pressed her forehead against mine. Her fingers weaved through my hair, pulling her body closer to mine. I never wanted to forget the day I told Lyla about Madelyn. Never wanted to forget how safe I’d felt being so close to her. Or how my grip on her waist made me feel like I’d lose myself if I let go. I didn’t know how, but she was healing me. As if her delicate hands were reaching out, stitching up the rips and tears from my past.