Life in a Fairytale

Love ISN'T!" declaimed Kyle, gesturing grandiloquently and - in general - making a complete arse of himself. 

"Huh?" slurred his flatmate Lachlan, bleary-eyed. 

"There's no such thing," explained Kyle. "It all makes sense now." 

"Ohhhh..." said Lachlan. "Go to sleep, ya bugger" 

But Kyle was hungry. He grabbed another cupcake from the fridge and broke a piece off. Chocolate... not exactly original, was it? But oh, so good! That bakery downstairs was bloody fantastic. He started to break off another piece, and paused. A corner of folded white paper was sticking out of the cupcake where he'd broken the original piece off. He pulled it out, scattering a few crumbs over their already-grotty carpet. 

You will find true love tomorrow. The princess awaits. 

"Oh, Lordy!" Kyle groaned. "Someone's been getting drunk at work and putting the fortune cookie fortunes in the cupcakes! Well, hey, up their pipes fer origi - orangy - or-i-gi-nal-i-ty." 

Lachlan stirred again. 

"Wha?" 

"I found a fortune in my cupcake!" 

"Like, a dollar?" Lachlan giggled. 

Kyle rolled his eyes. "Never MIND!" Then he got it and laughed. 

**** 

Kyle woke, groaned, and stumbled to the bathroom. After a shower (drying himself with yesterday's tshirt) and dressing in clothes belonging to him but found deep in Lachlan's wardrobe, he felt slightly better. He decided to head down to the bakery downstairs for a croissant and coffee. 

With a muffin (they were out of croissants) and half a mug of espresso inside him, Kyle was starting to feel better again. Almost human. He sipped his coffee and contemplated his life - failing university, suffering a vicious hangover at 2pm on a Tuesday... maybe he should try doing assignments instead of smoking pot tonight. Although he couldn't remember where his assignment list was, or what the next one was on, or - for that matter - what the last few lectures he'd attended had actually been about. 

"Shit," he said quietly, and stared at his muffin. 

A sound like quietly tinkling bells started just over his left shoulder. He rolled his eyes and sighed. Did he want to know? Suddenly, the tinkling changed to a business-like single PING! A puff of air whooshed over Kyle's bare neck in the sudden silence. He looked at Miguel, the bakery owner... who was staring at something over Kyle's shoulder. The Miguel disappeared from view with a THUMP. 

"Oh dear," said a sweet, motherly voice. Kyle was even more on guard than before. He knew that sweet motherly voices belonged to sadistic serial killers almost as often as they belonged to sweet motherly people... if not more often. In fact, he didn't remember ever meeting a sweet motherly person. He turned around, ready to defend himself to the death. 

Standing behind him was a plump, sweet, motherly-looking woman dressed in pink and clutching a purple fluffy wand with a sparkly star on the end. 

"Some people just DO not cope with the paranormal," she tsked. "Now you - you look like a sensible lad. No fainting for YOU!" 

Kyle fainted, out of sheer bloody-mindedness. 

**** 

He woke up, still in the bakery and lying on the floor, with the pink-suited woman bent over him. She was tapping the purple fluffy wand on his forehead. 

"TA-DA!" She announced, proudly. "Awake!" 

Kyle groaned and closed his eyes. Too sparkly. Too cheerful. 

"What do you want?" he said. 

"Is that any way to speak to the woman who saved your life?" 

"You didn't, you daffy dame... you just scared me into a brief coma!" Kyle riposted. 

"Oh, have it your way," she said, elevating her nose "Anyhow, I'm your fairy godmother." 

Kyle closed his eyes. His headache was a lot worse now, and he really didn't need this. Fairy godmother? 

"Everyone has one, you know!" she continued brightly. "They're not always lucky enough to meet theirs in the flesh, though!" 

"OK, I'll bite," Kyle said, sighing. "Why am I lucky?" 

"Because you're about to meet the woman of your dreams! An absolute princess!" 

That didn't sound good, thought Kyle. Princess? 

"Ummm..." 

"And if you don't pay attention this time, you'll end up miserable, miserly, bitter and alone for the remaining 50 years, 3 months and 9 ½ days of your life!" she trilled. 

"OK... OK, I'll keep an eye out, and I'll fall in love, alright?" Kyle said. "Now... will you leave me the hell alone and get back to your psych ward? They must be worried about you by now." 

"Well, I..." the fairy godmother stuttered, outraged, "...I NEVER!" And she disappeared, somehow managing to make the tinkling and PING sound offended.