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Everything in me screamed no. No. No. No. It screamed 'No one is worth getting into all that for.'
Life is a thousand times easier if you pretend not to care about anything. If you repress all your feelings.
"How about a blow job instead?" I said, trailing my hands down towards his zipper.
"Chase."Chris said, catching my hands. I sighed.
"You'd be my first oneeeee."I breathed, kissing his neck, but he shook his head and more sternly this time said
"Chris this would be a lot easier if you'd have sex with me." I said, pushing myself off him and he closed his eyes, taking a deep breath.
A few moments passed in silence. I can't just be someone's boyfriend. I'm trying here! I managed to actually say what I was feeling earlier in the kitchen with Allison! I could've just kept quiet, pushed Chris away.
Well, at this point, I don't know if I could have let myself push him away, but I could've kept quiet.
"I thought you wanted things to be different with me."Chris whispered, his eyes still closed.
He opened his eyes, raising an eyebrow.
"I'm not good with emotional stuff! You KNOW that. I learned to turn off all emotion connected with sex! When you're molested for three years that's what happens! You shut down. I don't have to think during sex. Or any acts of sex. My brain shuts off."I blew the words out like a gust of air.
"Then why the hell would I want to have sex with you?! You think I want this to mean nothing?"He yelled, motioning between us.
"Chris! The last person I let in and trusted ended up throwing me on my OWN BED and -.." I stopped and got up from the couch, walking over to the glass doors leading to my back yard.
I don't know how far I can possibly go tonight. Reliving the actual act...I had to stop myself there.
I don't want Chris to know all the details. I don't want him to know what it's like to feel like your body is your own worst enemy, like you feel disgusting in your own skin. I don't want him to know how Uncle Kent touched me or used me. I want Chris to erase all that, I don't want him to have to deal with it to. It sucks dealing with this. And it's not fair for me to dump this all on him.
"I'm not going to hurt you, Chase." Chris said, still somewhere close to the couch, judging by how far his voice sounded.
I shook my head and ran a hand through my hair.
This is what happens when you build up walls. You build them so quickly, and thick that when that one person, the one special enough, breaks through, you're screwed. You feel naked, raw, vulnerable.
"I know how this feels, but you have to trust me. That's what love means, Chase!" He said, and I spun around.
"You have no idea what it's like!"I spat, and his face fell.
"I know what it's like to seclude yourself, to keep a secret, to have to be careful of every move. To make sure no one finds out. To feel unwanted, like trash. Chase, I was in love with someone I thought would never love me back for six years!" He said, and something inside me didn't like that. I didn't like that he was hurting, or had been hurting. And I didn't like that I was keeping him from what he's always wanted, from what he needs, from what... I need..
I walked over to where he was sitting and plopped down basically on top of him. He chuckled, and wrapped his arms around me. It should feel weird, having him wrap his arms around me, and almost emasculating, but it doesn't. It just feels, right.
"It's not that I don't trust you, and it's not that I don't love you. It's just...the past really screws with the future, and it's hard over coming that. You know?"I said, turning in his arms so I was facing him more, and my back was resting against the arm of the couch.
"I want sex to mean something with you, but, I guess we'll have to wait awhile for that. Because right now sex is just...sex to me."I said, feeling a little useless. I can't even have sex with my boyfriend. That's just not right. I'm so damn screwed up that I can't even make him happy the way he deserves to be happy. I don't deserve him.
Did I just call Chris Stone my boyfriend?
|Taylor Swift||as Allison Hatcher|
|Taylor Lautner||as Tyler Jorek|
|Betty White (younger years)||as Mrs. Strupe|
|Channing Tatum||as Chase Linely|
|Zac Efron||as Chris Stone|
|Stanislav Ianevski mixed with Brad PItt||as Hayden Strupe|