Calie's Diary: Falling in Love (No Seriously?)

Saturday March 24

Ok I’m going to do it; I’m going to tell Derek that I love him.  I decided I need to put it all out on the line; I don’t care if I get hurt, at least he will know how I feel.  He’s going to New York, I’m going to California but it doesn’t matter to me.  Derek is one in a trillion and I can’t let that go.

This week has been hard, I don’t think it really hit me until I was at school going through the motions; it’s hard when you know it’s going to end. Every time I look at him I feel this pain and I ask myself what if?  I don’t know I think we’d be so good together.

Anyway on to my plan or semi-plan, Derek has a baseball game right now.  Well Katy invited me to go, but I declined knowing I would need all my strength to do this.

Ok well I don’t know exactly how I am going to do it so I’ll just wing it, it just what Derek would do.

Wish me luck, I have a feeling I will need it.  This is probably the craziest thing I’ve ever done.

…………………………………………….

So I went to the baseball field because I knew it be easier to just find him in person than calling him or texting him and telling him I needed to talk to him. (I hate it when people say they need to talk, it’s never good)

The game was just finishing which was good because I didn’t want to run into Katy or someone else.  I hid in my car till most of the spectators left.  

Once all the players were in the locker room I parked my car and proceeded to sit on Derek’s car so he wouldn’t miss me when he was coming out.

My heart was beating so rapidly in my chest but there was no turning back especially when Jack, Eric and couple of other guys spotted me. They seemed in a good mood so I knew they won, not that winning ever effected Derek.

Jack waved to me, I waved back, but I was glad when he didn’t come over to talk to me.

I spotted Jeff’s car, so I knew Jeff and Derek didn’t drive together, which I was glad for because that could have complicated things.

Then I saw Jeff and Derek coming out of the locker room, they were talking to their coach whom it looked like was trying to shake them off, because Jeff and Derek followed him to his car, and talked to him until he got in his car and drove away.

Then Derek saw me, from about still 50 yards away, he yelled, “Hey you weren’t at the game” (Good observation skills)

“I wasn’t” I said when Derek got a little closer, Jeff was still with him.  Jeff being the more observant of two told Derek he was going to head out and that he’d see him in little bit.

“Hey we are all going out to dinner in like an hour, you want to come” Derek said to me.

“Probably not” I told him.

Derek was cover all in dust and dirt, “Really, we won we are going to celebrate, two more wins and we are in the playoffs, so why are you here?”

“For you” I said looking right at him, and he gave me the blankness look ever.

“But you weren’t at the game”

“I wasn’t, but that doesn’t mean I’m not here for you now”

“Ok” (Maybe Derek thought I was crazy at this point)

Ok so I took a deep breath and said, “Well remember when you got into NYU I said good job, but I didn’t really mean it, and then you didn’t get into ULCA and I was sad because I knew we’d never go to school together”

“Ok” Derek said probably not knowing where I was going with it.

“Well it’s because I don’t want to be that far away from you well ever”

Derek opened this mouth to talk, but I silenced him because I didn’t want to hear what he had to say until I was done.

“I’m sick of being tough, I want to wear my emotions on my sleeve but I was afraid of getting hurt, but I’m already hurt so it doesn’t matter anymore, when I moved here, I just wanted to get through the year, get to where I wanted to go, where I thought I belonged, California, but that’s not where I belong”

“Huh” Derek said, but I hoped he was following it at least a bit.

“So when I got here, I met you, and I’m sorry to say but I didn’t like you, you talked about yourself constantly, I thought you were arrogant and you didn’t care what other people thought”

“I didn’t know you thought that, you were always nice to me” Derek said because mostly likely he needed to get a word in.