I'm Not Okay (I Promise)

Dedicated to
Baby_Cakes
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A/N: Alright, here is the beginning of chapter two. Please comment if youd like more..but I don't know if anyone other than my two friends have bothered to read it or not..soo... yeah >.> -Gerard

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*Xander's Pov*

I walked through the school hallways silently. (I pictured it all badass..I dunno about you..) I passed Lucas and all of his friends, they all laughed happily with eachother, but the cute one caught my attention..Quinton, that's his name I think. I made my way to my second hour Art class, I had two art classes, Intro To Art and Advanced Art. I sat down at my little art desk, no one sat by me ever though. I pulled out my sketchbook and finished the drawing of Lucas and started drawing a scenery on a fresh piece.

"Hey, you mind if I sit with you?" Said a voice. I lifted my head to come face to face with a girl with curly long black hair and bright green eyes. "I don't want to sit by Jack and Robert." She said throwing a nervous glance at the two Jock Gang members. Robert was Bulldog.. I nodded and she sat down across from me. She was new here. "Those pervs kept looking down my shirt." She said in disgust.

"Men." I said in a sarcastic tone, she smiled at me.

"I'm Casey. And I know your name. Its Xander, right?" She asked. I nodded.

"Hey Girly, he's a fag, be warned." Jack said across the room. Casey flipped them off.

"Idiots." Casey muttered with a frown, she looked at me. "So I talked to my friend's friend named Lucas. And I asked him where I should sit here in Art because I complained about the pervs. He said you, but he told me you don't talk much." Casey explained

 "He's right." I said with a slight nod.

"Well I don't care whether you talk or not because you're a cutie. So its alright if I sit with you?" Casey asked again. She was very..bubbly.

"I don't mind." I said, I realized I started drawing Quinton into the picture I was working on. It didn't help that he was shirtless in the drawing either.

"So you're openly Gay?" Casey asked.

"Yea." I answered. She was easy to talk to, maybe its cause she's not an asshole.

"That's cool. How were your parents with that? I heard coming out could be rough." Casey said.

"Fine." I lied, I drew Quintins eyes flawlessly, I felt creepy drawing him.

"That's good." CaSey said smiling. I nodded lightly and I was tempted to scribble my drawing out, but I just couldn't."how do you know Lucas?" Casey asked.

"Around." I said quietly, I knew he'd kill me if I told her that he was my brother. Casey started drawing a stick figure kitten, her expression showed great concentration. I watched her blankly.

"How do you?" I asked.

"My friend Luna has a giant crush on him. So I met him yesterday." Casey answered. I have heard Lucas talk to Mom about Luna. He had a giant crush on her as well.

"Why do you have art?" I asked as she glared at her child-like drawing.

"Well, I wanted to learn to draw better." Casey said looking up at me.

"It comes from inside, Casey. You can't learn." I said quietly.

"I can try." Casey said smiling. I narrowed my eyes and shifted. She was stubborn. "Ya know, I consider you interesting. We should hang out sometime." Casey said brightly.

"Maybe." I said. I was still drawing, it kind of made me nervous, that she found me interesting.

XxX

I sat in my room drawing. I was putting every tiny detail of Quinton in the picture. I had a cigarette in my lips, the smoke going through my body. I knew Lucas was with Quinton upstairs, I felt like a creep. I set my cigarette down in an ashtray and I went to my nightstand pulling out a plastic baggie of pills.

Sure, the first step to recovery was when you accepted the fact that you were addicted. I knew I was, but I had no intention of stopping. I took out two little pills of Nembutal out of the baggie and swallowed them with coffee. Sure, they could kill me, but I didn't care. My ribs and chest hurt.

I sat down at my desk again, I was running out of candles so I hurried up my picture. The pill took action and numbed the pain of my ribs. My body felt floaty, all my emotions melted away. I ran my fingers up the side of my arm and got to my inner elbow, scars. Track marks from the numerous needles I had punctured through the skin. If Lucas saw them, he'd kill me. I moved back to my nightstand and pulled out a black band and a syringe full of meth. I shrugged out of the thoughts of Lucas and placed the syringe in between my teeth as I tied the band around my bicep. This drug would hopefully numb me more.

My blood flow slowed and I stabbed the needle into my vein, I smirked at the small stabbing feeling. I pressed the plunger of the syringe down, I could feel the liquid meth rush into my veins. I finished and out them away. What else could I do? I had cocaine left, I could buy more drugs sometime later. I pulled out the baggie of powdered cocaine and made two lines if the white powder. Snorting it would give me a rush.

When I snorted the lines I wiped my nose and put the shit away. I laid down, high off the drugs, images danced along the ceiling in my mind. I watched them and eventually fell asleep.

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A/N: okay..tell me whatcha think? How feel it? It'd mean a lot.. this was a tough piece to write. Thanks. Read and comment. -Gerard

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