INFATUATION PART 2: "FOREVER AFTER..."

'I'm sorry...' I knelt down as I held my thick coat closer to me, the chilly wind blew my woolen scarf irritably past my face. Though my nose was bright red and my face was numb due to the cold weather; I still felt the hot single tear that fell upon my lip. 'I'm sorry, Marc.' I repeated, as my eyes scanned over his gravestone. 'I know I haven't come to visit for such a long time...I'm sorry about a lot of things.' I briefly looked back at my car, and saw my children still sleeping peacefully.' Sometimes it seems like it was only yesterday you were here and I was in your arms. Where did all the time go?' I was waffling, what else could I say, I was ashamed that I hadn't come to see him in so many years. My head dropped into my glove covered hands as I cried softly. 

'It should be different...everything shouldn't be this way. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have fallen for Lance after what he did to you. I see that now. I was just so consumed by passion, I thought, I thought we were meant to be. And when I got pregnant, everything fell into place, it felt like fate. But now I know, I was wrong, it was wrong - what Lance and I shared. But there's one thing I don't regret and that's my children, there's Jeremiah. Yes, I gave him your middle name. At least now you don't think that I've completely forgotten about you, huh?' I wiped away the unwanted tears. 

'He's 6 now and he...he reminds me of you. That troublesome sweet boy thing you had going on back then.' I laughed lightly to stop from crying. Every memory of Marc Anthony was beautiful yet painful. 'And he's got a little sister, Jeyda.' My mum had given her that name, my mum was from Singapore and Spain, she'd said Jeyda looked just like me when I as born. Which means she looks like her Nigerian granddad, because I look a lot like my dad. 'Oh, I miss you, baby, now more than ever...' I sighed heavily. 'My life is just...I don't even know...I feel like I need some guidance right now, some strength. How could I, how could I have married Lance, after he killed you? How could I live with him, love him, when I knew what he'd done. I knew he was a murderer. I should have told someone when I first knew, I made you a promise and I let you down.' I leant against his gravestone for support. 'I'm sorry, I'm so very sorry, Marc. Lance isn't a bad person, he just made a mistake, but I still made a mistake by choosing him out of every other man to become my husband, my lover and the father of my kids. I see that now...now I know. I know I'm successful, and all the dreams I use to tell you about have come true...but if I had you, you with me, my world would be whole.' My eyes lingered to my black Range Rover and I sighed. Money definitely wasn't everything, it certainly didn't make me happy. Why was it now when my marriage had fallen apart that I missed Marc so much. Why was it now that the emptiness had returned? 

'I love you so much, I've never stopped loving you and I never will. I wish you could show me you're not angry, that you could show me you still care.' My mouth became dry. 'You didn't deserve this...I'm sorry, I shouldn't be burdening you with my troubles.' I stood on slowly, brushing myself off. 

'I love you, Marc.' I said in a low whisper. I kissed my fingers and lay them on his gravestone. Merry Christmas baby.' I drove home with only the light breathing of my sleeping children to comfort me. It was late when I arrived home. It wasn't till I'd parked that I'd noticed Lance's Mini sitting across the road. He crossed the road before I'd even gotten out. 'Not riding the Merc today?' I commented sarcastically. 

'Babe, I didn't come here to fight.' He opened the car door and carried Jeyda out and began to walk towards the house. ' I just came to drop the kids' presents. 

'I held Jeremiah's hand as he rubbed his eyes and walked with me towards the house. I turned around briefly to lock my car. 

I couldn't deny the fact that I was still sexually attracted to him. When he licked his lips, my nipples instantly became harder. I hoped he didn't notice how flushed I looked as I watched him as he put Jeyda to bed and kiss her on the head. He looked so beautiful when he smiled, his dimples were beautiful. He went back to the car and brought the presents inside. We stood in the kitchen in silence, even with his trench coat open, I could faintly see his beautifully sculptured, athletic body. It used to drive me insane. 

'And this...is for you...' He lay a neatly wrapped box with a ribbon on the table.