Before you leave me today

I wake up all warm and sweaty, in one of my dads old jumpers. It has been a year today, a year already. 365 days ago that we had that terrible phonecall, oh how everything changed since then. I dreamed about him, I could see his face, I could break down and cry on his shoulder, his warm supporting arms around me saying 'Nicole, my little princess, it's going to be fine'. I tear up but take a deep breath. I have to be strong. I get up and walk downstairs. Mum is passed out on the sofa, ofcourse she is. An empty bottle of vodka in her hands and her hair all messy. Ever since dad died it started going worse with her. She has always been a strong drinker but now she got actually alcoholic and I have to take care of myself. I take my medication and walk back upstairs to take a shower. I get dressed and brush my teeth getting my back for school packed. Then I walk back to the bathroom, holding my dads army knife in my hands. I get the sleeve of my t-shirt up and start scratching, I scratch untill it bleeds. I quickly grab some toilet paper and wipe the blood away, making sure there are no splatshes anywhere and flush the paper. I wait till the wound dried a little and put my sleeve down again. Sighing deep, I know I promised Jess to stop but I can't. It's too much, mum being a alcoholic, me having to take care of myself, dad being... dead. I wipe the tear that is escaping from my eye away and get downstairs to get on my bike and go on my way to Jess' place. She opens the door and I put a smile on my face, too bad she knows me so well. 'aaahw sweetie, we could just skip school today and go see silly movies and eat chocolate ice cream today if you want, this must be hard on you' she says and pulls me in for a tight hug. I'm so happy to at least have her in my life. I think I would literally die if I didn't have her. 'thanks babe, but I need to have some distraction, I'm a wreck right now and I need to get my head into school so I wont think about it too much' and I give her a kiss on her cheek. We have been best friends since, well yeah since forever. We practically grew up together, both our dads are, well... were in the army. Hers still is but my dad... He got killed. It was a bomb attack, there was no way they could still save him. I can still remember my mum fainting whilst being on the phone and then the captain telling me my dad died. I cried myself to sleep for months. I started cutting myself after that too. Jess looks at me worried but then smiles 'well darl, you are so strong, I'm proud of you! And you may be a tiny bit of a wreck, you deffo are the prettiest damn wreck I've ever seen' and she winks at me. I smile, how on earth did I deserve such a good friend as her. On our way to school we talk about silly stuff, we fangirl a bit over One Direction, our ever fave band in the entire universe! We laugh at our imagines about being their girlfriends, me as Zayn's girl and Jess as Harry's girl. About us going on a double date with them and about so much more. Still hoping that one day we will meet them, which probably wont happen, unfortunatelly. When we finally arrive at school and walk pass some girls in our class I feel them staring at me. Whole London knew my dad, he was an important member of the army so probably a lot of people know he died a year ago today. And at that I realize this is going to be a long long day. Jess puts her arm through mine and winks at me. 'it's going to be fine Nicole' she says as if she could read my mind. 'it's going to be fine!' she repeats.

'oh gawd Jess, that was the longest day ever!' I complain to her. 'omg I know right! Could Mr. Tables just not shut up for a second, it felt like that speech lasted for a million hours'. I laugh, she was so right. Jess puts on some music, 1D , obviously and we make some sandwiches whilst dancing and jumping around screaming 'I WANNA STAY UP ALL NIGHT AND JUMP AROUND UNTILL WE SEE THE SUN!'. We both fall down on her couch laughing. 'aaagh finally weekend!' Jess says in some kind of weird cat voice. 'yesss I know! Lets go clubbing tomorrow?' I suggest to which she replies 'why don't we go tonight? My parents arent home anyways, we could get your stuff here, make it a clubbing/sleepover party?'. I smile and nod, that is just a perfect plan. Both of us going clubbing. A night without my drunk mum is exactly what I need right now!

I look at myself in the mirror, I got my ginger hair styled and a thin braid over the side. I'm wearing a dress from Jess that somehow fits me perfectly. It's a darkblue strepless dress that is kinda tight and very short. I'm wearing a golden neckless and some pearl earrings and a lace cardigan and some bracelets. My make-up looks kinda natural, just a little mascara, eye-liner and a tiny bit of foundation. I smile at myself, finally a little happy with how I look for once. Jess walks in and looks at me 'wow damn girl ya looking hot!' she says 'well girly, you are looking fineee yourself too' I reply and we both laugh again. She wears black shorts and a cropped top, wearing a long silver neckless and a lot of rings and bracelets. Her makeup looks just perfect as always and her darkblonde hair is hanging loose over her shoulders. She lies down on her bed, stucking her head under the bed like she's looking for something. 'haha Jess what are you doing?' I ask laughing at how funny she looks. 'we, we are going to make this an amazing night Nicole, we are going to loose control okay?! Forget everything and just have fun!' she says as she gets a bottle of vodka from under her bed. I smile and totally agree with her. This is going to be a great night, forget everything. We're gonna loose control tonight!