Summer break hasn't even started yet, and I can already see my hopes that it will be better this year being torn apart.
Recently, S has been more... like me. She has been panicking at night the same way I do, and I know she's scared of having so much free time this summer. Because really, when you think about it, free time is the worst enemy of a person with depression. But the biggest difference is that around eighth grade I learned to keep my mouth shut about all of it. I don't blame her for being so vocal about it; on the contrary, I'm kind of jealous. Sometimes I wish I could just tell someone about my fears. But I see even more clearly now what it does to everyone else, being on the other side of it.
Her biggest problem is that she's afraid of being bored this summer, of having nothing to do and not enjoying it. I have had that fear for as long as I can remember. I lnow what it's like. And I'm scred too; I would be crazy not to be, after last year. But everytime she says something about how she wants to do something new this summer, I can see that our mom is clueless. S wants to go on vacation somewhere, but there are two problems with that: we don't have the money for it, and we don't have anywhere to go. Our mom said that she would go in debt if it would make us happy, and we all know that's a very bad idea, but she's going to do it anyway. She's just trying so hard to make us happy, and it's making her unreasonable. We are only tow years away from college. I really don't want to have to deal with our mom being in debt on top of everything.
The second problem is caused by the fact that we don't really enjoy a lot of things. S doesn't like amusement parks, I don't like beaches, and no matter where we go we are just going to be uncomfortable, just like we always are in unfamiliar places. There is no way to make us happy.
Our mom's mission is pointless. And from these discussions I came to a very important conclusion: it doesn't matter. There's nothing we can do to be happy this summer because life isn't like that for us. At least, for me. I have to face the fact that nothing makes me happy and nothing will ever satisfy me for very long. I'm always going to have to deal with these feelings, and free time is always going to scare me, but I can't change that. A change of scenery can't fix it, new people can't fix it, a new life couldn't fix it. Something is wrong with me, and I just have to learn to deal with it instead of trying to change it.
I don't think S has realized this yet, though. When she says things like, "If this summer is like the last one, I may not make it through," I can tell that she's just like me. When she says that she doesn't know how to make it better, that she doesn't have a solution for this, I can tell that she is just as clueless as I am about what to do. But she still thinks there is something to do.
So that's it. I finally realized it. Although I may have times when I feel hopeful, I will always fall again. And I'm okay with that right now. I can't say I'll feel the same in a month, but I'm ok right now. And I'm okay with keeping it inside, because as long as I can keep it from others, no one else has to be hurt by it.
I think I'm resigned to this future of ups and downs. I just have to keep this in mind so it doesn't hurt so much next time I fall.
On the topic of telling others my secrets, my band friends asked me to explain why I hate band so much. (The school marching band, that it; it's basically a cult that takes over their lives for months at a time. They all take it very seriously.)So I will give you the same explanation I gave them:
1. I'm upset that bad gets an excused field trip every year and we don't. Then they have the nerve to complain about how tired they are when they get back.
2. They are so stupidly exclusive about everything. We aren't allowed in the band room, and they remind us constantly. Then they have parties specifically for their section. Which wouldn't bother me so much if it weren't for the fact that three of my best friends play trumpet, including F4, and they have the nerve to talk about their parties and trips to the zoo and all of that that only include the three of them, because " only people who play trumpet are invited." First of all, they see enough of each other during the four months of marching season when they stay after school everyday and have to play at games every weekend, meaning we can't see them at all. Second, if someone reading this can tell me what a trip to the zoo has to do with playing an instrument, please let me know. It's like they're so freaking superior that they have to spend time away from us common idiots!
YOU ARE READING
My diary: an interactive project. Sort of.
Non-FictionJust the life of a girl who may or may not be mentally ill. Care to take the journey with me?