14. The Condom Broke

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Bee

I hate cuddling.

Well, it's not that I hate it... I just don't like it with him.

Memo hadn't let go of me all night. Every time I moved, he would only pull me towards him a little tighter than before. His snoring would be right at my ear and the loudness of it kept me up at night. Needless to say, I hadn't had much sleep these last few weeks.

As I laid on the bed, staring at the ceiling, I thought about what had happened last night.

It has been close to two months that I haven't talked to Lola. I see her at school and she looks like she wants to talk to me but then just walks away. I know she's tired of the 'silent treatment' as she has put it many times. I would have come to her sooner but I couldn't. Memo was constantly on my back telling me to keep away from 'the dyke' and I just didn't want to fight. Tammy would be telling me about Lola and Christie and how they seemed to be getting closer. I'm not going to lie, it did bother me... because I couldn't be there for Lola when she was there for me.

That's a lie.

I'm jealous of Christie.

Lola is the friend you want by your side when things go wrong. She will go to the moon and back to make you feel better, to cheer you up. The way she gives everything she has to her friends makes you want her by your side; good times and bad times. That day two months ago, when we ditch school, Lola had done everything in her power to cheer me up. At the end of the day, I had forgotten what had happened before. And now... now whatever we had is gone and I don't know how to get it back...

I feel the prick of tears in the corner of my eyes and I swallow hard. I can't cry, not now. If I start crying I don't think I'll ever stop. It's times like these when I wish I could go to my mom and talk to her about everything. But how do you talk to the woman that protected the bastard that raped her daughter? Granted, she doesn't know, but I doubt she'd believe me. She has a weakness about Raul. It's like when she found herself raising me by herself, she relied on him when he came into the picture. She saw him as the one she would build a happy home with.

I think we would have been better off alone...

Memo grunts in my ear and stretches on the bed, tightening his arms around me. I can feel the beginning of stubble on his cheeks and I don't like it. It reminds me of Raul when he'd come into my room and... I pushed Memo off of me and climbed off the bed, running to the restroom across the hall and making it just in time to puke whatever was left in my stomach from the last time I ate. Vile rose in my mouth as images of Raul flashed through my mind. That accompanied with morning sickness, this was going to be the worst thing I've gone through. 

I found out I was pregnant about two weeks after I left my house. I don't know if it's Raul's kid or Memo's, all I know is that I don't want it. If it's Memo's kid, it will only be born into a broken family with young parents that don't even know what they are going to do with their lives. If its Raul's kid, then it will be a reminder of the things that bastard did to me and to be honest I doubt I'll ever get over that. Molestation is one thing but rape is another... both traumatize you, yes, but only one of them can leave you with lifelong consequences that you need to name and 'care' for.

Memo doesn't know I'm pregnant. He couldn't be anymore clueless. I think the only thing he has noticed is that I don't want to be touched anymore. When I moved in, he would want to do it every night. I'd just lay there, numb, while he did his thing and then roll to my side and try to protect his ego by telling him that it was 'good'. How pathetic am I, really? Trying to protect his ego while I lay there broken? Have I no dignity? No shame? Have I been robbed of everything that made me who I am... who I was?

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