Satan's Smile (Poem)

The pain is

satisfying

If I were to say otherwise

I would be lying

I focus on it

instead of my other troubles.

It gives me moments of true relief,

Happiness that should always be

But it hasn't been so.

All I ever felt was depression. 

Skipped every therapy session

If I can't find true happiness myself

How would they?

I give up on trying to fix things.

To bring them back

I give up on searching

for the leader of the attack

The leader who led the abusers

Who ruined my life

Who made me this loser

I am one who chose himself before

his sister,  before

his mother , before

his father

and many more

Loved ones whom shouldn't have given him

the life, and forgiveness he didn't deserve

I bite my lip

as the metal sinks deeper

letting the earth take a sip.

Of the tiny red fountain,

that newly paints over my red wrist

the blood i have caused

to pour on the floor

to pour out my heart

to pour out my soul.

To drain my sadness and my pain

My past that hurts me

more than anyone can explain

The thoughts that will haunt me

and never take leave.

To easy they make the erasing seem.

Just take a pill and let your new life set

No.

It’s not that easy to forget

Memory but a curse in my life

But is why i try to end it before my eyes

I don't deserve any light.

All this changes, at least a few

When you stand before me now your blood a spew

Your bed the earth, 

Your body the home

Of the new knife

that sleep in your bones

Your ice cold heart

finally frozen

Your blood i taste 

dipped finger

addicted as it raced

Out onto the floor, pooling around you

I got my revenge

no longer fully broken

I finally feel almost peace in me.

Finally almost happy, Finally almost free.

I learned it wasn't my fault

My sadness that made my lips

taste tears of salt

I learned you caused it

All my hate

This horrible fate

So I took out my pain

On you.

The troubles you deserved! 

I did cook in one pot

and on the plate I served

it was steaming hot

I can now throw out my extra razors, broken C.D's and such

My new life does not need AS much

As a knife or a broken bottle

to hurt myself. 

You see all I have paid you.

25 years, 

I begun to take back 

while I watched you simmer and watched you tear.

Before I ended it once and for all 

Torture I could have continued but I decided to let you fall

Into the abyss of hell

Live happily there now

When I arrive

Satan will sell

To me he will hand over keys to hell

The place would have been a heaven

at least in comparison

To what I will make it for you

In the life that you can never bid ado

But 100 times worse it will become for you  

I finally found you, leader.

The flames of sorrow

That stole my sleep

when I knew they'd return  tomorrow,

But no longer I fear

I am almost free

I have made you suffer

Still not as much as me

I will live better knowing you are gone..

but wait for me great leader

It will not take to long

I will come

The knife that slept in your bones has awaken, to find its new home in my shaken

My dirty my bloody my stained fingers

I hold the hilt 

I do not intent for any more slits

Pain washes over me when the knife connects with my heart

The same pain that was always my friend

That even now makes me smile.

>:)