Lighter In My Pocket

"When I'm angry I climb the tallest tree I can find. When I'm upset I write. Writing is more dangerous, because when your feelings are down on paper your vulnerable. Anyone can see who you really are just by reading it. That's why I keep a lighter in my pocket."

    I'm usually so brave. I can look into anyone’s eyes and smile no matter what is wrong. Except for one person, and I don't understand it. I feel stupid and fragile when I look at that person. Even when there not looking back at me. Looking at them makes me feel like I'm worth nothing, and that they would never care about someone as small and shallow as I seem. Some days I feel like I might be better than anyone, that I am more beautiful and I act so much more mature. Other days I feel humiliated, that I must not be as good as I thought, I'm just another silly little girl finding her way in the world, and that person will never see me as anything different. I lose my control around them, and I feel stupid for wanting to smile at them when they aren't even looking back. Like I'm invisible, they look everywhere besides at me. And that makes me want cry. In everything else I feel so brave, I feel like I couldn't possibly be afraid of dieing or feel fear of anything. But then something happens and I remember how fragile I really am. How small and weak. I don't want to be, I want to work hard and be challenged. I guess that's why I want to go to the high school, I have to feel as if something is pushing me. I'm fighting for something, I'm becoming better. Things just can't stay the same for me. I put myself into things without thinking, I shoot too high and then fail. But I can never seem to stop myself from doing it. I like putting myself into situations where I think I can win, but I know deep down I'll fail. But when I do fail it doesn't bother me as much as it does other people, and it doesn't make me want to shoot lower. It makes me want to try harder, to do better. When I wanted the role of the girl in the skit, I knew deep down it wouldn't happen, but I tried anyway because it was something I wanted. I can't give up on my dreams or what I want. I think I need to be reminded that I’m weak and fragile and that's why I do things that I know I won't be able to do. When I stretch for the splits every morning, somewhere in me says I'll never make it, but the thought of other people being able to do it makes me want to. I should be as good as them, and that is something I want. I want to be able to do everything anyone can do. I want to be seen as strong and brave. Which I know is in me deep down. I am strong and I am brave. But most of all those two thing come from being selfless, and that is what I need to work on. Maybe when I reach that goal, that person will finally look at me when I look at them.