Thief of My Heart (Watty Awards Finalist 2012)

Chapter 40

"I can't believe we were so stupid.   We knew better, Heyes.  You never leave without being prepared.  That was always one of the most important things we taught all the greenhorns who came into the hole.   And now here we sit.  Freezing our tails off.  Hiding out in a barn in the middle of nowhere.  No food, no coats.  And you don't even have your gloves."  Kid Curry kicked the bail of hay that sat at his feet, releasing some of his anger and frustration.

Heyes just sat there on another  bale of hay with his arms crossed over his chest, his hands tucked under his arms to warm them.  He said nothing.  He just stared at the dirt floor while Kid paced back and forth in front of him. 

"How did we end up like this?  Where did we go wrong?  I'll tell you where.   We got too comfortable.  We let our guard down.   We forgot that we're both wanted men.  How stupid can we be to just ride out of that ranch without so much as an extra blanket or something to eat? Family men, huh?  We don't look much like family men now."  The object of his frustration this time was an empty wooden pail which he sent flying across the barn with the tip of his boot.  It landed with a loud clatter after banging against a stall door on the opposite side of the barn. 

"Will you stop it?"  Heyes admonished.  "You keep doing stuff like that and you'll get these animals riled up and somebody in that farmhouse will be out here to see what's going on and then we'll really be in hot water."

"I wish we had some hot water.  Some hot anything."  A shiver wracked his solid frame.
"And ain't nobody gonna hear anything over that blasted wind."

As if to punctuate his statement, a blast of frigid wind blew in through the cracks between the board walls of the barn, causing loose bits of hay and straw to skitter across the barn's hard packed dirt floor.
  
"Why don't you just relax and sit down for a while.  Or better yet, why don't you lie down on that pile of hay over there and get some sleep.  I'll keep a watch out."

"I can't sleep.  I'm too cold.  And too hungry."

Heyes ignored Kid, who continued to pace and grumble under his breath.  He for one was just thankful they were out of that blasted wind for a while.  Before they had stumbled across this barn, his fingers had become so numb from the cold that he could barely hold the reins.  His fingers were beginning to feel normal again after being shoved in his armpits for the last hour.  He removed his hands from under the warmth of his arms and as he did his hand brushed across the hard little square in the breast pocket of his navy blue shirt.  He reached inside and pulled the tiny box out.  He held it in his hand for a moment before lifting the lid and staring at the simple silver circle that lay inside.

"Will you put that away.  I don't ever want to see that thing again.  It reminds of how stupid I am."
Heyes just gave his partner a puzzled look.  What was he talking about?

"I was stupid to ever let this whole thing get this far.  I knew you weren't thinking straight.  I should have sent her back east.  All my instincts told me to just put her on a train to Nashville.  You were too loopy headed with love to make any rational decisions.  I should have just took control of the whole situation and done what I knew was best for all of us.   But no.  I didn't do that did I."   Kid paused his pacing and ranting for a moment. Heyes wasn't sure if he was talking to him or to himself.  "I almost wish somebody else had saved her. None of this would be happening if it weren't for...."

Heyes stood quickly and pointed a finger at his cross partner,  "Don't you dare blame her, Kid.  This is not her fault."  There was warning in his tone.

Kid came and stood directly in front of Heyes and swatted his accusing finger out of the way.  "I'm not blaming her.  I'm blaming you,"  he spat out angrily as he stabbed his finger into Heyes' chest.  "None of this would be happening if you would have just done what you knew was right in the first place.  We've always had that one unspoken rule when it comes to women, Heyes. You enjoy them while you can and when it's time to move on,  you move on.  Even if it means breaking their heart.  It's not right to let a woman get emotionally tangled up and then have to up and leave her. And you and I both know that eventually we always have to leave.  I should have followed my gut and made you send her back east.  She'd be living with Livvy now and you and me would have been hell and away from Cold Springs and Sherman McMaster.  Sure she would have been heart broken.  But she'd be getting over it by now."

Heyes didn't say anything.  The truth of what Kid was saying was like a festering barb under his skin.  He just stood there scowling at his partner as he continued his rant.

Kid walked away from Heyes and began his pacing again.  "Stupid, stupid, stupid."  He shook his head in dismay.   "I can't believe I let you get so caught up in playing house for so long."

"I wasn't playing, Kid,"  Heyes said in an almost inaudible voice.

"Well, you may as well have been for all the good it did you.  And I was right there with you.  Playing right along."   He paused again, thinking about Livvy.  Visualizing her lovely, petite figure, her sweet laughing face, her passionate eyes.  "And now you've gone and....dammit, Heyes, I hope you didn't make her pregnant."

"Alright, Kid, I get it.  You're mad.  And you think this is all my fault.."

"I don't think it is, I know it is!"

"Alright!  It's all my fault!  Are you happy!   I take full responsiblity for everything!"  Heyes turned away from Kid, not wanting to look him in the eye, his shame and guilt making him feel like a scolded child.

No,  Kid wasn't happy.  And he immediately felt sorry for being so hard on his partner. He could only imagine how hard this must be on him.  He softened some and said in a calmer voice,   "Well, Heyes, you should have done right by her and just sent her away even if it meant breaking her heart."

"You think I don't know that?"   Heyes said facing his partner.

Kid could see the pain in Heyes' face and could hear it in his voice.  He opened his mouth to say something but Heyes lifted a hand to stop him.  "Just forget it,"  Heyes said in disgust.

"Yeah. There's nothing we can do to change the past now.  Let's just concentrate of getting some rest while we can.  We need to be riding out of here before those folks in that house wake up.  It's going to be a long hard ride."   Kid dropped down onto a pile of straw in a dark corner and covered himself with a dusty old saddle blanket they'd found hanging over one of the rafters.  "Wake me in a couple of hours and we'll trade places."   He yawned loudly and closed his eyes.  He was snoring in minutes.

"So much for being too cold and too hungry,"  Heyes mumbled under his breath.  Heyes knew Kid must be exhausted.  He was exhausted himself, but he didn't require as much sleep as Kid did.  They had managed to get a couple of hours of sleep last night when they'd come up on a line shack that cowboys used for rests on cattle drives.  But the wind had been so fierce, making the temperature feel much colder than it actually was, that they hadn't rested well.  They had awakened to a bright and very welcome sun which warmed the air throughout the day.  They had ridden as hard and as far as they could before the cold once again became unbearable and the winds began to pick up with the sinking sun.  They were giving up hope of finding any shelter for the night when they'd smelled the burning wood from a fireplace chimney. The little farm sat in the middle of nowhere somewhere near Alamogordo, New Mexico.  Isolated and remote, it had been like a beacon of light in an otherwise dark and bleak situation.  They had silently made their way across the yard and into the barn after watching the owner and his small son secure the animals inside for the night and then disappear behind the walls of their cozy little farm house with its warm glowing windows.  But even if he had been behind those walls in the warm glow of a family fire he couldn't have slept.  He had too many things on his mind.

Heyes wandered restlessly around the barn.  His mind was in a turmoil.  He stopped beside the lantern they'd found hanging by the barn door and stared into the glow of it's dim light as he held his hands close to its flame for warmth.  Kid was right.  He was right about everything.  He should have sent Evie away.  He should never have professed his love for her.  He should never have allowed her to grow so dependent on him.  And he certainly never should have touched her.  He should have been thinking with his brain instead of his heart.  And his....he looked down at the bulge below his gun belt and rolled his chocolate colored eyes.  She was so young and so innocent.  And he had soiled her.  And what if he had made her pregnant?  What if his child grew in her belly at this moment?   He had been the worst kind of irresponsible.  He'd been stupid and selfish and irresponsible.  And now if he ended up in the Wyoming Territorial Prison or worse,  if he ended up dead, she'd be left alone.  Heartbroken and alone.  Possibly with a child on the way.  His child.  She would be the one to pay for his foolish mistake.  And so would their child if there was one.

His child would be branded a bastard.  The bastard son or daughter of a wanted outlaw.  And Evie would be shunned as a harlot.  My God what had he done?  Why hadn't he left her alone?   Falling in love with her was something he couldn't help.  But taking her virginity, that he could have stopped.  Of course in the moment it hadn't  felt like he could stop, but that wasn't true.  He had had every opportunity to back out.  To save her innocence.  And he hadn't stopped there.  Oh, no, he had to go to her room that night didn't he.  He rolled his brown eyes again, wishing he hadn't thought about that night.  It only made him more lonely for her.  Made him long to touch her.   And now there was  a possibility that she could be  carrying his child.  The thought of it filled him with indescribable joy and at the same time, petrifying fear. 

He wouldn't deny he had pictured her, her belly large and round, ripe with the fruit of his loins.  But he'd also pictured her with a ring on her finger at the same time.  Now their future was unclear.  He doubted if marriage was in the cards now.  Had it ever really been in the cards for him?  Kid was right, he had known better.
  
Heyes left the glow of the lantern to wander again.  Moving kept his mind off the cold.  He found himself at the front of the barn near the door, where they'd tethered their horses.  He approached the massive black stallion and smiled when the steed caught his scent and turned his big head towards him and began to paw the ground.  "Yeah, I knew you were beginning to like me.  No matter how big of a fuss you try to make about it."

Heyes had been astounded by the black's speed when they had headed out of Cold Springs.  Once Odin had hit the wide open fields and had sniffed the clean air he'd taken off like a....well, like a wild horse.  Heyes grinned to himself.  If he'd been alone he could have been miles further by now.  Kid's bay gelding just wasn't a match for Odin's speed and agility.

Heyes rubbed the thick black coat that covered the straining muscles beneath it.  He couldn't see it in the dim light but he could feel that the normally slick shiny coat was dull and dirty and in bad need of a good curry combing.  Just like the day they'd wrangled him and brought him home.  Home.  It had felt so good to be able to say that word.  For a while at least.  He should have know it was all too good to be true.  He thought this time might be different.  That maybe God wasn't still making him and Jed pay for the sins of their past.  But obviously he was wrong.  He felt a longing begin in his heart and his chest tightened.  He wished he could be on the back of this powerful beast with Evie.  Holding her, kissing her, laughing with her.   Just being normal.  Just being home.   And home was simply wherever she was. But once again the reality of who and what he was had reared its ugly head to smack down any dreams he had of having a normal life and a home and a family.  He could picture it in his mind.  A little white washed clapboard house with a porch sitting on a nice little grassy spot of land. Evie standing in the front yard waving to him as he came home from an honest day's work.  The sun shining brightly down on her lovely face, tanned and freckled from working in the little garden at the back of the house.  Her beautiful hair flying free on a breeze.   And two little children running to meet him.  A boy and a girl.  One with blue eyes and one with brown. 

Another sharp gust of wind rattled the boards of the barn walls and jarred him from his reverie.    He wondered what Evie was doing right now.  Since it was the middle of the night, she was probably sleeping, or at least trying to sleep.   Had she gone looking for him in Cold Springs?  He hoped she hadn't.  He didn't want her and Laura to cross paths.  And he certainly didn't want any one becoming suspicious of her connection to him and the Kid.  But he knew her better than that.  Of course she had gone looking for him.  Had she found out what had happened?  Did she know he hadn't abandoned her?   Had she cried?  Had she waited and watched?  And what about Livvy?  Had she found out the truth?  If she had then Evie was probably on a train bound for Nashville right now.  But he couldn't blame Livvy.  Who in their right mind would want their niece betrothed to or even associated with an outlaw?  Even if he had been the most successful outlaw in his time.  Heyes smiled smugly.  If Olivia Vanderbilt wanted her niece to marry a successful man, then he was the perfect candidate.  The fact that his success had been found on the wrong side of the law was a mere formality.   But his smile quickly vanished as he thought of the look that would cover Livvy's pale face when she learned who he and Thaddeus really were.  She would be angry.  She would be hurt.  And she would make Evie leave with her.  He knew that as sure as he knew that the hat on his head was black.  And Evie, not knowing what the future was going to bring would have no choice but to go with her.  And once Livvy had her in Nashville,  even if he and Kid managed to escape the long arm of the law once again,  he'd never be able to contact her.  Livvy would make sure of it.

He wished now he had ridden off with her that day before Livvy came.  Evie had begged him to pack their things and ride out.  Just the two of them.  But he wouldn't do it.  Now he wished he had.  But that too was water under the bridge and not worth dwelling on.  All he needed to think about now was getting to the one place where they could get lost and not be found for a while.  The one place where they could wait the posse and Sherman McMaster out.

"You've got to get us there, friend,"  he addressed the black.  "Get us there so I can get back to her.  I've got to get back to her somehow.  So I can make things right."   There was one small window in the back wall of the barn.  He left the horses and made his way to the window.

He stood beneath it and looked up into the brilliant sky.  It was a clear night.  The stars were more vivid and bright than he'd ever seen.  And the moon was three quarters full.  The longing began again as he wondered if his Evie were looking at the same moon and stars at that moment.