The water is getting cold, but the blood is still warm as it washes away. I look down to see my reflection in my slightly fogged razor. "what do I do now?" I think to myself as I stand up and continue with my shower as if that didn't just happen.
The door opens and I hear my moms voice ask if I'm alright, I reply yes in a shallow voice, I instantly clear my throat and say yes again. Although she sounds unsure she says okay and closes the door.
She likes to act like she actually cares about us; my two younger siblings and I; but no matter how much she acts and how much other people believe her, it will never be true, she doesn't give a shit about us.
The only things she actually cares about is work, alcohol, and whatever guy she is screwing while my dad is deployed.
I miss my dad so much he was the only person I could count on, but now all I have to count on is me. I'm pretty much raising my two sisters Samantha and Joanna, but I try not to complain, I love my sisters and I'm happy they have a big brother like me to take care of them when no one else will.
Joanna is only 13 months younger than me and Samantha is nine, I'm almost 16 and a sophomore in high school, I don't have many friends but I get by on who I have.
I've been keeping a big secret from my family for the past few years and I'm scared to tell them what it is. My mom and sisters always wonder why I never have a girlfriend or like to bring girls over; but what they don't understand is that I don't think that girls were made for guys or that guys were made for girls....
My family doesn't understand that I don't like girls like that, I wish I could just tell them, just come right out and say it, "I'm gay!" but in order to stay in my house and stay with my sisters, that's just not something I can tell them.
My mind always runs wild when I am in the shower, I thought it was the best place to relax but not for me, it's where I get my anger out and where I go for my razor blade.
I wish I never would have started, but I did and now I can't stop. I'm not trying to kill myself, I just want to release myself and cutting is the only way I can do that, but no one would ever understand, so it's just another secret I keep hidden away.
School is pretty much a blur sometimes, I get straight A's without even trying, but that isn't my probably, the classes are easy. The hallways is the hard part for me.
There he is, oh god, he's so gorgeous. I just wish we could show our love, Michael Champion; my secret lover, to bad he has a "not so secret" girlfriend. He's hidden and in the closet, kinda like me but I am at least out at school, he's hidden from everyone including his self.
We've hooked up a few times but he doesn't like to admit it, until it's time to do it again. He's great at it for a straight boy, I love how he will have sex with me and not his girl, but for some reason I can't help but be jealous when I see them together at school, probably because she has what I want but I get what she wants.
When he touches me I lose my breath, I can feel my heart pounding in my toes as he thrusts himself at me. When we're alone. Trust me we are alone and there isn't even an earth to interrupt our moment.
He told me that he loves me, and I know I love him whenever i am around him. My whole world is right but that girl is ruining our love and I will not let that happen. Me and Michael are going to be together, all I have to do is some how get rid of Alexia.
I'm always confused when it comes to our love, he bullies me at school and then after school we are perfect soul mates. In my opinion it is all because of that little homophobic "girlfriend" of his, she makes him act that way, the only reason he won't break up with her is because she is the preachers daughter and him and his parents go to that church.
I would be all for going to church but Christian people are way to judgmental therefore I will never go.
Home is way too hard to deal with sometimes, my mom is completely ignoring me and my sisters. She came in last night staggering drunk with some guy I've never seen before, probably just another one night stand, she brings those home a lot. The morning after I usually think it is better to take the girls out then to deal with my mom.
I take my sisters out for ice cream once a week so they can get out of the house and away from our moms stupid behavior. I try to get my own money but if I can't I just take some from my moms bag, I let each of my sisters bring a friend if they want but the friend has to pay for themselves, if I take too much money my mom will notice that some is missing.