Corren's Fight

Chapter Twenty-Four - Alone

- Emily -

Riiiiiinngggg. Riiiiiiinnnnggggg. Riiiiiinnnngg. Beeeeeeeeep.

A computerized voice spoke. "You have reached voice mailbox of-"

I hung up.

That was the fifth time I called since leaving the hospital, and that was two days ago. Surely Jem's anesthetics wore off by then? Corren said he would call me. Why didn't he? I wanted to scream in frustration! He thought he was protecting me. Would not speaking to me really work? Would that really turn Tyson's guys in a different direction if they were after Corren? I didn't think so. I waited with baited breath for fall break to end. I was filled with anxiety. How would I stay away from Corren when he was so close? Seeing him would throw all my self control out the window. I'd probably end up confronting him, begging him to see what an idiot he was being. I really just wanted him to hold me. I just wanted this mess to be over. But when he didn't come to school... I knew something was wrong.

"Have any of you seen Corren?" I asked when I got to the lunch table.

"He's probably taking care of Jem." Vanessa said.

I bit my lip. "Maybe. Miles, has he called you?"

He shook his head, looking like he was beginning to wonder himself. "No, I actually haven't heard from him since the hospital."

"I'm worried." I said pulling up a chair.

Jason's cheek kept moving. He was chewing at the inside of his mouth.

"Jason?"

He turned. "What?"

"Corren."

He seemed startled by the name, but his voice was levelled. "What about him?"

Now Harper was looking at him funny.

"Have you seen him?" I asked again.

"Uh, no I'm with Miles... I haven't seen him."

Harper raised an eyebrow. "Jason, weren't you saying you were giving him a ride Wednesday? That's why you cancelled our date."

Jason cringed.

"Jason... where is he?"

He sighed. "Emily..."

"Jason tell me!"

He wet his lips nervously. "Look... I gave him a ride to the airport a few days ago..."

I stared in disbelief.

Jason was apologetic. "I'm sorry. He didn't want you to know. He knew he couldn't leave if you were there!"

I was up before I even knew what I was doing. No one tried to call me back. They knew better. I ran forth. Megan was on field trip today so I had her keys. I ran into the school's parking lot and fired up the car. I desperately raced through the streets, barely paying any mind to the speed limits. My mind was a hurricane of anger, worry, and pain. I drove through the tears that fell. I pulled up to Jem's drive way recklessly, doing a half-turn in the process. Dust kicked up from the skidding. I ran up to the porch and pounded on the door.

A nurse answered. "Hello?"

I pushed passed her and shouted. "Jem!"

The man himself was sitting on the couch drinking a beer. He turned his head to me. "Ah, I was wonderin' when you'd be here."

I stormed over to him. "How could you? How could you let him leave without telling me! How could you send him away! How-"

"He left that for you." Jem pointed to the coffee table in front of him.

I spotted an envelop and picked it up. "This?"

Jem nodded.

"A letter... He couldn't talk to me but he wrote a letter?"

"Just read it. You're welcome to head up to his room for privacy if you want. Just try not to wreck the place when you're done."

I glared but listened to him. I ran up the stairs to Corren's room. I hesitated at going in, but pushed myself to go and sit on his bed. I tore the envelope open to find a folded piece of notebook paper. I plucked it out and unfolded it.

I love you, Emily Tate Mathison. Nothing will ever change that, but this is what needs to be done. I know you're furious right now. Please don't blame Jem or Jason. I told them not to tell you. I didn't want you to know I was leaving because if you did, I'd never be able to go. Most of my life has been nothing but pain and anger. But you changed that Emily. You saved me from myself. You helped me to keep fighting, and I can never repay you for that. You gave me a reason to live, and then showed me a thousand more. I came here hot-headed and blind. I'm leaving with perspective and hope. Hope that'll see you again and hope that we can pick up where we left off. For now, I'm going back to Alaska. I'm not sure what to expect, but I know I can get through it if I just stop and remember that maybe you're still waiting for me. Jem says to wait a year and see how things play out. I swear to you Emily Mathison, as soon as that year is up I'll come back for you. I would never leave you if I had the choice. It's not over, not for me. I'll keep fighting for you. Jem told me that saying 'I love you' is a promise, and no matter how badly one of us messes up- you keep the promise anyway. I'm keeping it. I love you, Emily. Don't give up on me.

-Corren Lockwood

I sat there. Numb.

I wanted to be angry with Jem and Corren, but I agreed with their reasoning.

"You do what you have to to protect the people you love." Jem told me.

The only one who could have possibly loved Corren more than me was Jem. Jem loved Corren like a son, and Corren loved him like a father. The bond between a parent and child would always be stronger than petty teenage love. I knew Jem was hurting just as much as me. I was being selfish. Corren made the right decision. So I went back up the stairs and took Corren's red lacrosse hoodie he left on the floor by his bed. I held the hoodie close and inhaled. It still smelled like him. I asked Jem if I could take it. He didn't mind. I left the house and climbed back into the car.

I cried.

* * *

Weeks went by in a haze of colors, slow and uninteresting. But I had to keep a smile on my face, if not for myself then for my friends. It hit me hard that Corren was not coming back. Not for a while at least. I slept with his hoodie every night since the day I took it.

"You're sad." Megan said in the car.

"I've been sad for a while." I replied, turning my head to the window.

"He's just a boy. More will come along. You'll see."

"He wasn't just a boy, Megan. He was everything to me."

"He was a drug dealer."

"Well all make mistakes! You forget that! He made some bad choices but he was trying to get out! That's why Tyson went after Jem!"

Megan's tone cut deep. "It could have been you, Em! He endangered your life! That's not love it's selfishness!"

"He was trying to get out!"

"Wake up, Emily! He never cared!"

"You don't know what you're saying! He loved me! He still does!"

"I'm not letting you throw your life away for some loser!"

"It's my life! I can do what I want with it!"

"You don't think dealers sample their own products? Look at Tyson! He snapped! Who's to say Corren wont do the same?"

As soon as the car stopped I jumped out. "Stop it! Just stop! You don't know a thing about us!" I slammed the door and ran inside up to my bedroom.

I crumpled to floor and hugged my knees, willing myself not to cry. The distance scared me more than anything else. At least when Corren was with me I always knew where we stood. Now I knew nothing. Every day that passed I doubted myself. Did he miss me more than I missed him? Did he miss me at all? Or will he move on soon? Did he forget his life and everything else that happened here? The boy I loved could have already forgotten me for all I knew.