Tainted Love [Black Veil Brides]

I woke up, tears in my eyes and gasping for breath. My forehead was sticky with sweat, my hair tangled. I'd relived everything all over again but I remembered the end vividly. It wasn't of that night but instead, of today. They were Lauren's words but Andy's face. He told me that I got everything I deserved, that it was my entire fault.

I got out of bed and into the bathroom, splashing cold water on my face and fixing my hair. I felt really anxious and a little scared. What if Andy did think that? I sighed and went back to my room, attempting to go to sleep. I glanced at the time and it read five past two. I wasn't even tired anymore as I was too nervous to sleep. I needed to know what Andy really thought about so I decided to go and speak to him if he was awake.

I tiptoed out of my room and knocked on his door gently. There wasn't a reply so I turned to go but I heard the door open from behind me.

“Rose?” Came Andy's questioning voice. I turned to face him, a small smile on my face.

“Hi.” I spoke.

“What's up?” He asked.

“Er, I had a nightmare and I couldn't sleep.” I muttered.

“Me neither.” He sighed as he motioned for me to come into his room. He turned the light on, illuminating the room. I took a seat as did Andy.

“I need to ask you something.” I told him. He nodded, playing with his pack of cigarettes, tossing it from hand to hand. He wasn't looking me in the eye.

“Why are you acting like this?” I asked him, causing him to look up. His blue eyes gazed into mine.

“Like what?” Andy countered.

“Like you hate me.” I said bluntly.

“Hate you?” He repeated.

“Yes, like you can't stand me.” I said. He ran a hand through his hair, throwing his cigarettes down.

“That's not it.” He chuckled humourlessly. “I don't hate you.”

“Then stop acting like you do!” I blurted out. Andy stared at me, his eyes darkening.

“You told me to stay away from you. That's exactly what I'm doing.” He spat. I widened my eyes.

“But I didn't mean it!” I yelled.

“You seemed pretty serious.” He spoke.

“I wasn't! You haven't spoken to me in weeks; don't act like this is my fault.”

“Rose, you shut yourself away.”

“Do you blame me? I didn't want to talk because I had nothing to say.” I insisted. Andy grabbed my wrist abruptly, pressing down on my cuts which caused me to wince.

“But you decided to do this?” He questioned, holding up my wrist. I tried to snatch my hand away but he held it tightly.

“You're hurting me!” I told him.

“But not as much as you hurt yourself, right?” He spoke fiercely. He released my arm and I saw regret in his eyes.

“That's not fair.” I tried to sound calm even if I was getting angry.

“Isn't it?” He challenged.

“I'm coping, Andy.” I told him.

“At night, I hear you wake up, screaming. I listen to you cry yourself back to sleep. You don't eat, sleep or talk. You shut yourself away in your room as you scream. You cry horribly in the day, the sounds echoing around the house. I know when you're cutting because that's when it's quiet. We all know you're doing it but we don't say a word. You tell me if that's coping.” Andy finished speaking, his eyes hard.

I stepped forward so I was toe to toe with him. “What the fuck am I supposed to do?” I said as I looked him in the eye. He didn't speak as I backed away. “That's what I thought.” I said.

“You were too busy fucking your girlfriend to give a damn about how I was. You avoided me like I disgusted you. You made me feel like shit because it was like I'd done something wrong when I hadn't. You've been sending me mixed emotions these past few weeks. One minute you're fine with me, the next you act cold! The reason I –”

“It's all my fault!” Andy shouted. I snapped my mouth shut, furrowing my eyebrows. He sighed, pressing his palms into his eyes. “I was acting like an idiot that night and when you left, I should've looked for you. If I had, I would've found you and nothing would have happened. I'll never forgive myself for not trying harder.” His voice was full of pain and regret. I had no idea that he felt like this. He turned his back on me.

“At the hospital, you told me to stay away from you. To me, it sounded like you thought it was my fault too. And then you came home, not speaking to anyone - especially not to me. The guilt was slowly eating me up so I stayed at Lauren's house more often because I couldn't bear to look at you without feeling something. What I usually saw in your eyes when you looked at me had gone. You looked like you were scared of me. I knew you were in so much pain but I didn't do anything. I acted cold because I didn't know how you'd react if I was nice. When I was going to talk to you a few nights ago, I saw fear in your eyes. I thought it was easier for you if I was harsh, then you wouldn't be scared.” Andy explained, turning back around as his eyes were watery. His face softened when he saw me.