The Young In Our Veins (Ryden)

Chapter 21

**Brendon's POV**

I hold Ryan to my chest, tears spilling out of my eyes. He smiled at me through half lidded eyes. "Brendon..."

"What baby? What do you need? I'll get you anything you need." Ryan's boney fingers cups my cheek. He's lost so much weight. It all happened too fast. I'm not ready to let him go yet. I never will be.

"Lay with me please... I'm so cold." But he's burning up. I nod and crawl under the thin sheet with him. The hospital bed creaks and I hate that he has to stay here. We all know it's coming. Why can't he just stay at home with me? Where I can love him till the end. Tears are still making my cheeks moist and Ryan wipes away them away with his thumbs. "Don't cry."

"I love you so much Ry..." His dry, pale lips cover mine and my whole body shivers from crying. He taste the same, smells the same, but he has changed in looks a lot.

He's gotten pale, minus the areas that are covered in skin rash. His once sparkling brown eyes have dulled and now have dark circles under them. He was skinny enough as it was, but now his bones are showing slightly. But he still smiles.

He tells me it's hard not to smile when he's getting married to such a perfect person. We were supposed to get married next month, but things got really bad, really quickly.

"I love you too.... I don't wanna go Bren.." He starts sobbing. "It hurts Brendon... I'm gonna throw up." I grab the small waste can from the side of the bed and put it under his chin. He heaves but nothing comes out. He cries even harder.

"Baby, baby.. It's okay, it'll be okay. You'll feel good again soon."

"But I don't wanna go." He cries. I brush his hair away from his forehead and kiss his pale skin.

"I know you don't. Fuck, I don't wanna let you go either." He screams a very pain filled scream. I hug him closer, but I fight the urge to get sick. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him for taking away my Ryan. He continues to groan and cry. "Where's it hurt baby?" I whisper.

"Everywhere. Make it stop Brendon."

"I can't baby. I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry." Ryan clutches to my shirt tightly. All I can do is gently pet his hair.

"Bren! It hurts! It hurts!"

"I know." My voice cracks. I don't want to let him go. Never. Ryan's breathing picks up, his chest rising and falling dramatically. "Ryan." I try to calm him down, but I'm unsuccessful. "Baby. Breath for me. C'mon Ry."

He rests his head head on my shoulder and holds on to me even tighter, holding onto what's left.

It's happening. I don't even try to stop myself from crying anymore. I'm losing him and I can't control it.

Before I know it a doctor is trying to take him from me. Saying something like, "It's not healthy to see him like this." I just want to hold him.

When they try to take me away, Ryan screams for me even louder and they finally give in. Give the patients what they want.

And then I hold him till he stops breathing.

"Ryan! God no! Please don't leave me." I yell as he goes limp in my arms. "Fuck!" I kiss him and keep him close. It's never close enough. The doctor places a sympathetic hand on my shoulder.

"There's nothing we can do now. We're sorry for your loss." But it doesn't even begin to help how I feel. How fucked up is my life? I'm holding my dead boyfriend. Am I a sick fuck for not wanting to give him up?

"Brendon... We have to take him now."

"Okay.." I say quietly. I gently lay him down on the bed and kiss him one last time. Then I pull the sheets over him. Nobody is allowed to see him. Not my Ryan. "I will always love you Ryan." I whisper. Always..

***

The worst part of everything is the urge to kill myself every minute of everyday. So much reminds me of him. I can barely even sleep in my bed without wanting to cry.

"Hey Bren." Spencer says sympathetically. He hugs me to his chest and gives me a soft smile.

He lost someone important too. But I love him for not showing his pain. That would made it worse for me to bare.

What made it harder for me is the fact that Ryan's dad isn't even at his funeral right now. Never had a chance to meet the guy. Probably never will now.

"Are you sure you want to give the eulogy?" Spencer asks with a caring hand on my shoulder. Yes. I really do. I'm the only one who really understood what it was like for him at the end.

He cried a lot, but he also smiled quite a bit too. I'm wearing his silver band. We used to just sit down and plan the wedding. He wanted us to match. And when he wanted something a little more... eccentric, he'd give me this puppy eyes and I'd just say, "Anything for you."

God I miss his eyes.

I miss him.

He had a day, right before he died, where we honestly thought he was going to start getting better. He was just laughing at everything. Not even normal laughter, but clutching your stomach laughter. I couldn't stop smiling at him cause his eye had that sparkle again. For that small amount of time.

He told me, "Brendon! Please draw a unicorn on my arm. Please." And I of course I did cause I loved him.

"Time to go man." Spencer pushes me towards the front of the room, towards Ryan's coffin. I asked for them to have his coffin closed. I couldn't handle seeing him.

"He's been gone for almost a week now and... I can already tell it's never gonna get better, but ah... I could talk for hours about how amazing he was. First off, Ryan graduated collage magna cum laude which means with high honors. He received a degree in creative writing and if you've never read anything of his you haven't lived." The room chuckles and I'm doing good. I'm not crying. Yet.

"But aside from all his intelligence... he was an amazing boyfriend. God I've never loved anyone like I loved Ryan. I don't think I ever will either. I know people always give that cliche speak, 'Oh he was such an amazing person', but he really was. He changed me. I learned to appreciate life more around him. He wasn't perfect of course, but he was so beautifully imperfect. He trusted me with everything..." I wipe a stray tear from my cheek. I keep holding on because that's what he'd want.

"Most people know that Ryan and I were planning to get married. If you didn't know then you must've not known my Ryan very well cause that's all he ever talked about." I smile softly and see Patrick in the first row crying. He's not able to contain himself as well as Spence.

"I um... I held him until his last breath. I honestly didn't want to let go." I whimpered. I knew the tears would come soon. "Some of the last words he said was 'I don't want to go.'" I break at the last part and Spencer pats my shoulder.

I can't take this.

I kiss my hand and place it against the cold wood of Ryan's coffin. "Tu vas me manquer, mon amour sans espoir."

The end.