***WARNING- SOME CONTENT MAY BE DISTURBING TO MANY READERS***
Chapter 1- Why no fuss about rust???
Ehmagawd....ever since my seven year old son Sheniqua brought home a RUSTED spork, i've had a fascination with rust. At first it was only a curiosity, but then things escalated... I started staying up, day and night, researching the cause and effects of rust. I even went as far as taste testing. I had to quit my day job as Customer Service for Verizon Wireless to make more one-on-one time for my rust. My wife says, and i quote, "I would come home from my night job at the hospital only to find my husband sprawled across the kitchen table, cradeling a rust infected spork."
Chapter 2- Ross Lynch cares about my finch ;)
So here's how this diddy came about....My "fam fam" and I were on a vaca in Bora Bora, and we were eating out at a fast food restaurant. My wife Bertha (as clumsy as she is) tripped and spilt her large sprite all over her new blouse from "Vic Sec." Being the gentleman that i am, i decided to "sprint" over to fetch her some NAPKINS. Well LO AND BEHOLD there was a fair skinned, bleach blond haired, angel, or should i say, "Son of Neptune???????????" well put together teen grabbing katsup packets right in front of me. I tapped him on the shoulder and blushed as i did so....afterall.....this WAS Ross Lynch. He turned around and he was wearing the most majestic finch pin mad entirely of RUST. I took my well manicured phalange and scratched the rusted finch. To my greatest delight, he quickly, and with urgency, took off the pin, chucked it at my son Sheniqua, and ran. I "hustled" over to retrieve the finch pin, and help Sheniqua come back to consiousness. And dang it i KEPT that pin. It is now sitting in my treasure chest underneath my bed. And that folks, is how i met Ross....Ross Lynch.
Chapter 3- My overweight wife NEEDS a hair-cut
Okay...if I'm going to tell you this story, i better do it the right way. As a young lad, my mother had hip-lengthed hair. It was ruby red, and and coarse as a Clydesdale's ***, and it smelt like one too. I was always embarresed to go anywhere in public with that woman. So then we decided to go on a family road trip to the nearest amusement park. My mother was a thrill seeker, she always said, "YOLO." We were on the fastest rollercoaster at the park, and it was me and my brother Raul in the back, and my mom in the front cart (because she took up too much space to share a seat.) That's when "it" happened. Her horse hair WHIPPED back, and at the time my mouth was open because i was screaming. Her hair went DOWN my THROAT and i SWEAR it touched my pelvis... It got all tangeled around my face too, and once the ride ended they had to call 911 because i was suffocating and choking on my mother's hair. Now here i am today....ALIVE (thank god) and HATING long hair. That's why my SICKLY overweight wife Bertha NEEDS a hair cut so we don't have any reaccurances...
Chapter 4- Speaking of the witch....
I have many fears in life...but NOTHING compares to my fear of Bertha...my insane wife. You just don't understand, she is an ANIMAL. *SHOUTOUT TO MY 5TH GRADE TEACHER* One time in my sleep, she snuck up on me with a rusty machete, and made me lick it. Sometimes, she forces me to spoon feed her with my favorite rusty spork. She just gets this look in her eyes, and you know she means business. She intimidates me so much. Literally, she is a MOOSE. We TRIED to get her to be on the show "My 600lb Life" but she exceeded the weight limit. God help me. *SHOUTOUT TO GOD<3* And if you are listening god, please watch over me in my sleep....i only have SO many weapons.
