The Girl On Fire (undergoing editing)

3. Explain

I watch as Peeta gives Gale an ice pack and a glass of water. I sit sulking in the corner, but I'm actually quite impressed. I did a lot of damage! He's already got a black ring under each eye and his right wrist is swollen. I've probably broken it.

Good.

Cinna hides under my hair, he's not very social, but Prue sits on the arm of the chair Gale is sat in and chats away to him. I get up to move her, but Peeta stops me. Since when did he care about Gale? I thought he was glad to be shot of him; no competition; not that it would have been, after the quarter quell, I realised how much I needed him. I still do. After all he put me through, how dare he think he can come back into my life. As I'm thinking about all of this, Gale is staring at me, waiting for me to say something, I think.

"Why are you here?" I ask "Did that fancy job in District 2 fall through or did you come to apologize for killing my sister?!" He looks at me in shock but his face is tainted with understanding. I don't miss it.

"I can see you know what I'm talking about! But, I suppose you've probably blocked it from your mind. 'If I don't remember, it doesn't count.' right? Or... Better yet, you probably went to the Capitol and got them to hijack you, like they did to Peeta--" Peeta flinches at the memory, but I don't stop to apologize "Make you believe you didn't do it! Do you know what it feels like? To loose someone you love, the person you love most in the world. I've had to deal with it four times: My father, my mother; though she was never properly gone, I never saw her the same again, Prim and Peeta. I thought that was it. I thought I'd been punished enough for whatever I'd done, but obviously not. And, it was a close tie between loosing Peeta and loosing Prim, but you settled that.

"To think, my best friend, my brother, in some ways -- because I thought of you like that. You and Prim were the most important people in my life -- Killed my only reason to live. My 13 year old sister! How do you live with yourself! You betrayed me, tried to kill me -- because I was one of the injured that the medics, Prim in that case, came to aid -- and went with the Capitol!" The tears are running uncontrollably, now. Peeta sits beside me with his arm around my waist and Prue and Cinna climb on my lap.

"I didn't know you and Prim would be there. How was I supposed to know?" He keeps his voice composed "It almost killed me when I heard she was dead. I thought of her as a sister, I loved her like you did--"

"That's a lie!" I interrupt. Peeta squeeze my shoulder, indicating that I should listen.

"It's true. I still feel the pain, the hole in my heart. I still miss her. But you must know that I didn't drop those bombs. I didn't make them either. All I did was suggest the idea to Coin. It was my only way of staying alive; she was about to drop me in the middle of it all. Had I known you and Prim would have been there, on that street, I wouldn't have said a thing." I stare at him, bemused and angry. How dare he!? I feel my face turn red and my body starts shaking. I take a deep breath in before turning to Peeta.

"Had you known?! It's not just about me, other's lost loved ones because of you, because--" I take a deep breath and wait until I'm sure my voice won't give any more emotion away

 "Take the kids and go somewhere. I'll come and find you, later." I whisper.

"Where? It's 10 at night" 

"Then go to Haymitch's. He enjoy's the kids company and is mature enough to put up with you." He runs out of the house holding the kids hand. He doesn't even bother getting their coats, knowing I'm about to explode. The door is barely shut and I'm shouting.

"YOU THINK YOU CAN INTO MY FAMILY'S HOME AND ACT LIKE NOTHING'S HAPPENED AFTER WHAT YOU'VE DONE!? DO YOU THINK I WANT MY CHILDREN TO HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS?! I'VE JUST STARTED GETTING BACK TO NORMAL, PEETA AND I HAVE JUST PUT OUR LIVES TOGETHER! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT IT'S LIKE, BEING IN THERE, EVERY SECOND COUNTING! I do. People sat, watching us, betting on who would make it out alive. We went through that, twice. I watched the man, who had declared his love for me a few days ago, help the careers try to hunt me down. I was left with no choice but to try and kill him. I watched little Rue, my closest friend in the arena, die. I sat with her while she did so. She reminded me so much of Prim. 

"I know, it was 20 years ago, but that kind of thing doesn't go away. And, because I wouldn't be a part in their games; because Peeta wouldn't be a part in their games, innocent people died. Previous victors died, for us. I then had to deal with the fact that Peeta was held hostage be Snow and Cinna, the only person who understood how I felt, knocked out-cold, seconds before I went in the quarter quell. Do you understand how horrible it feels to tell the person who loves you, that you feel nothing for them, and then realise just how much you do care for them, only for it to be too late? Only for them to hate you? Peeta tried to kill me when he returned. I just about dealt with that. I was already weak and vulnerable when the war with the Capitol came. You just show up, and don't even say sorry?! 

"I've deluded myself into playing a strange game of thinking of the nice things people have done, so I don't wake up one morning hating the world. I know, whenever I play this game, that I'm gripping on to my sanity. You are the reason I play that game. I cried and cried for months, when you left. I had no one. Prim was dead, Rue was dead, as was Cinna, you and my mother had left and Peeta still had flashes of the things the Capitol made him believe. I tried to kill myself after it all. If Peeta hadn't have knocked the Nightlock pill out of my hand, I'd be dead right now." I feel exhausted from my long speech and fall onto the sofa, barely conscious. I start to sweat pro'fusely and my breathing accelerates. Gale comes to help me but I hold my hands up in defense.

"Get out... Now. And don't come back." I manage to choke out. He mutters an apology before leaving. I'm out before I hear the front door close.

Drifting into blackness,

Darkness,

Silence.

The light is blinding in the hospital room. How long have I been here? I look around, expecting to find Peeta, but instead, find Gale. He smiles when he sees I'm awake and starts babbling about how much I scared him. I notice his face is all bandaged up and there's a cast on his arm. I look right into his eyes as I press the button for help. He nods his head in understanding and lets the nurses take me out. I slip in and out of consciousness, waiting for Peeta to show. I don't know what I expected. Of course he isn't going to stay by my side the whole time, he has to look after Prue and Cinna. 

I wake up to find a nurse changing my fluids bag. She sees me looking and smiles. Where have I seen that face, that smile?

"You gave us all a right scare. You went into cardiac arrest, not enough oxygen in your head. You're very lucky Peeta came, Gale went to get him as soon as you fainted, he knew something was wrong. I'll go and get Peeta now. I told him to stay out for a bit, that it wouldn't do any Good, him sitting waiting for you to wake up. The truth is, I wasn't sure if you were ever going to wake up." That voice!

"Mom?" I whisper. She looks at me, the smile disappearing from her face.

"I've --  I'll go and get Peeta. I'll be back in a few hours, to change your fluid bag again." She hurries out of the room, almost tripping on the way. I fainted? While Gale was still there? I don't remember that. 

Gale saved my life. No! I must stop! Gale ended my sister's life. I owe him nothing. If it wearnt for Peeta, there'd be no life for him to have saved. Peeta rushes in and falls to my side. Tears spill down his face.

"I should have been there. I'm so sorry, you don't understand how bad I feel. I shoudln't have left you with him. I would have known what to do! He just left you. By the time he got me, you were already out and your pulse was dropping extremelly fast. It was out of my hands. Do you know what he said to me when he came to get me? He said 'I'm done talking to Katniss, you can go back home; oh, and you might eant to get her to a hospital, she knocked herself out.' and then he just left! so much for him loving you!" I laugh and kiss Peeta. What would I do without my loving, crazy husband?

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I know they didn't get married in the book, but in my story, they got married in the gap between this and mockingjay.

xx