It's been 3 days since bumalik siya sa apartment niya. Kung pupwede pa lang na hindi ko na siya paalisin, ginawa ko na. Kung pwede ko lang sabihin sa kanya ang lahat, ginawa ko na. If only I could do something para matapos na at mawala ang sakit na nararamdaman niya ginawa ko na. Dahil tuwing nakikita ko siyang nasasaktan, mas nasasaktan ako.
I feel like hitting myself.
And here I am following her everywhere. She's in the grocery right now, doing her scheduled market day.
I gather all my courage to come near her. Kumuha na lang ako ng kung anong mahawakan ko then I put it in her cart. I saw that she was surprise. Gustong gusto ko na siyang yakapin because her expression is just priceless but I stopped myself.
Then it happened. Iisang sibuyas ang nakuha namin kaya nahawakan ko ang kamay niya. I felt a bolt of electricity run towards me. Nabitiwan niya ang sibuyas and I wasn't able to stop myself from holding her hand. God, how I miss holding her hand.
She tried to pull it away, but I refused to let her hand go. Not now Angela. Kung dati hindi kita binitiwan, mas lalong hindi kita bibitiwan ngayon. Hindi ko kakayanin.
"What are you doing?" She asked me through gritted teeth. Alam kong nagtataka siya sa mga ginagawa ko but what can I do? I miss her so damn much. Ang hirap hirap na ang lapit niya but I couldn't even hug her. It's killing me.
"I am just making sure that you are not going to kill yourself and throw all my efforts away." I know it's a lame excuse pero ano pa ba ang pwede kong irason?
"I am not going to kill myself. And are you following me around?" I almost smiled at what she said. She never lost her wits. She never lost her frankness and her intelligence. She is still my Angela.
"Is it very obvious then? I thought I was being discreet" I saw her eyes widen at my vulgarity. Pati ang pag uusap na ganito namimiss ko. How we talk openly and frankly at each other.
"Whya re you doing this?"
"I already told you the reason." Ayaw ko mang bitiwan ang kamy niya pero kailangan kong kunin ang sibuyas. Damn it. Hehehe. Pero masaya ako ngayon.
Naggrocery na kami nung may pumasok na idea sa isip ko.
"And just to inform you, I'm having dinner at your place later. Don't worry I'll prepare the dinner. I'll cook chicken asparagus for you."
"John stop it!!"
"Stop bothering me!" Ewan ko ba pero nainis ako nung sinabi niya yun. Alam kong wala na akong karapatan na mainis pero hindi ko mapigilan.
"If you want me to do that, then stop mourning, stop going to that grave and stop living like a zombie. If you can do that then I will no longer bother you." I know I have offended her. I wanted to say sorry yet, hindi ko pinagsisihan ang mga sinabi ko.
I wanted her out of her misery.
Hindi na ako nagsalita. Hindi na din siya nagsasalita. Naggrocery na lang kami.
"I think this is enough." Nagbayad na kami sa cashier and nangahas ulit ako na hawakan ang kamay niya. this time she didn't pull away. She just let me hold her hand and guide her towards my car.
Inilagay ko ang mga groceries sa kotse ng hindi binibitiwan ang kamay niya. But I need to let go of her hand para makasakay na kami sa kotse. I hesitantly let her go at pumasok na sa driver's seat but hidni ko agad pinaandar ang kotse.
"I know its hard. I know its painful. You can't avoid pain, but Angela suffering is an option. It's a choice. You have life. You are alive."And I'm so sorry for causing you so much pain my love.