"Land! What is this?" Grimwauld held my work out and I heard the class snicker.
"B-blood, sir.." I stuttered, turning my gaze downward as I felt my cheeks blush brightly from embarrassment.
"Did you get a little nosebleed while you worked?" Grimwauld taunted, causing the class to chuckle at my expense and I felt a flash of anger jolt through me. This wasn't fair. It's not like I could say 'no, my dad decided I didn't do dishes fast enough so he punched me in the mouth'.. so instead I just nodded my head like the good boy I was supposed to be and tried to focus the rest of the class.
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*
I avoided the picture of my younger brother as I walked through the front door of our house, Candy trailed behind me, both of our eyes cautious and looking for any signs of trouble. Every single dish I'd washed yesterday was smashed to pieces on the ground, as well as most of our other glass dishes, including our mother's china. When she noticed her missing china, there would be hell to pay.
"Candy, why dont you go to a friends house while I clean this up, you'd just be in the way anyways," I spoke, looking back at my sister. Sure, I offended her, but it was the only way to make sure she left and didn't try to be a hero by sticking around to clean up...and get beaten, surely. "Stay the night there too." She huffed, glaring at me before going to her room to pack an overnight back and stomped out the front door. Even though I'd sent her away, I felt an odd sense of betrayal that she left me with the Monsters so easily. Didn't she care?
I got down on my hands and knees, and began the long, painful chore of picking up the largest pieces of glass. Fingers and palms and wrists and knees and legs... all cut up and bleeding, but I didn't mind. That would be easy enough to clean after I got the glass up all the way. It felt nice..in an odd way. I quickly swept up the smaller pieces of glass, cleaned and bandaged my own cuts before vacuuming everything to make sure nothing had been missed.
After all I'd been through today, I was exhausted. Homework could wait until morning, I just wanted sleep. Dreamless, blissful sleep. Walking towards the room that I was so used to sleeping in, it took me a few seconds to remember why I'd stopped going in there these last two weeks. My heart gave a painful lurch as I looked at the new carpet, the bleached and scrubbed walls... Jeremy. I turned around and carefully laid myself across a couch in the living room, looking at the now glassless room. At least he hadn't broken the pictures.. anything else I could handle. My gaze travelled over the many pictures we had hanging on walls and shelves.
One of Candy, Jeremy and I at the State Fair, we'd gotten Leah, my best friend, to take it. One of Jeremy bundled in a green jacket and gloves, building his first snowman, another picture portrayed a seemingly happy family of four; our dad, our mom, Candy and Jeremy. No Benjamin. But they were happy. Maybe that is what was needed to keep this family going. No Benjamin. I ruined everything.
Everyone knew it was my fault the happy family in the portrait was ruined.. most denied it, but I could always count on my parents to tell me the truth. It was my fault Jeremy was dead, my fault he'd killed himself at only fourteen years old, my fault he felt so hopeless, like he had nobody to go to. I read his note. I know he also blamed me.
Take it like a man, Benjamin. Your fault. My fault. Deep breathes, breathe deep, in and out.
If I also killed myself, would that make everything better for everyone? Maybe some people would be sad, but it would fade after a little while, after all, I wasn't very memorable. Clench and unclench fists. Deep breaths, breathe deep, in and out. Could I do it? Probably...
I stood up slowly, looking at the picture of Jeremy in his snow suit. I deserved to die for what I did to Jer and how I made him feel. I deserve it, it would make everyone happy too, not having to deal with me. This would work, then everyone would be better off. I could do this.
I walked quickly towards the bathroom, where I new I would find all kinds of prescription medications for my mother ranging from antibiotics to high class pain pills designed to knock a horse off its feet. I could do this. Make everything better. If this is what it took to make everyone happy, I could do it. I know I could.
Tylenol 4's, hydrocodone, fentanyl... so many choices. I should just take all of them. Its not like I'd be around to hear mom bitch about her not having any pain meds to get high with. That's all she ever used them for anyways. I opened every single medication bottle I could find and dumped them all out on the bathroom counter. Deep breaths, breathe deep, in and out. I could do this. Be a man, Benjamin. I grabbed a small coffee cup we always kept in the bathroom and filled it with water before grabbing a few of the pills. I shoved four into my mouth and took a drink of the water, swallowing it all down before repeating it again. Again. Four pills and down them with water. Repeat. Again.
Until all that were left out of nearly fourty or so pills were just three, which I had dropped onto the floor. I sat on the tiled flooring and I waited for the inevitable to happen. It took a while before I could feel the effects even. I began to get tired, barely able to keep my eyes open, and I laid myself out on the ground. I could make everything better. I was making everything better. I could do this. I did do this.
"Benny?"
That was Candy's voice. I didn't want her to be the one to find me, not ever in a hundred years. Not like how I was the one to find Jeremy. Yet she hadn't stayed the night at her friends house like I'd instructed her too. But I was too tired to move, I couldn't make a single sound. I kept my eyes open long enough to see the bathroom door open, and then I fell asleep. Just like I had wanted. I could make everything better.
Chapter Two
Start from the beginning
